Products The Work: Skip Dr. Classic

Posted by novelmama on July 20, 2010 · Leave a Comment 

We’re not the most careful of people, and sadly our DVD collection has born more than its share of rough handling. When the girls’ favorite DVD developed some skips and wouldn’t even play anymore in our car’s DVD player, we decided it was time to find a solution. Staples only carried one such product, and it wasn’t the one we’d seen in other places, so we were a little dubious. But we decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

The product has a handle and a buffer that you assemble once out of the box. The disc attaches to the buffer. Then you affix the bottle of spray to the handle, give a squirt, and turn the crank to make the disc rotate. It only requires two rotations, and then you’re done. Super quick, super easy, no mess, no fuss.

The disc still looks a little scratched, but when we put it in the player there were no issues whatsoever. Product win!

We got our Skip Dr. Classic at Staples for under $20. The system is supposedly good for 50 DVDs, but you can buy replacements for the part that wears out while buffing, and you can buy more spray as well. Definitely worth it, and far better than shelling out the cash for a new copy of your well-worn DVD or CD collection.

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Golden Rule Parenting

Posted by novelmama on April 26, 2010 · 25 Comments 

This post is written for inclusion in the Carnival of Gentle Discipline hosted by Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries. All week, April 26-30, we will be featuring essays about non-punitive discipline. See the bottom of this post for more information.

Regardless of their religious views, there are few who would disagree with Jesus’ words recorded in the Bible in Matthew 7:12–”So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (New International Version)–a.k.a. the Golden Rule. And yet it is astounding to me how many people–and, ironically, especially Christians–do not think this wisdom should not be applied to children. Consider the following scenarios:

– You are hungry. You’ve been going, going, going all day and haven’t had a chance to sit down and eat. You’re thinking about a dozen things at once and you don’t even realize you’re hungry, but you’re starting to snap at people, including your husband. How would you prefer for him to approach you? “Honey, you seem really off. I haven’t seen you sit for more than 5 minutes today. What’s bothering you–are you tired? When was the last time you ate? Gosh, no wonder you’re in a bad mood, sit down and let me get you a snack. I know you get preoccupied, but you really should make sure you’re eating every few hours.” or “This behavior is unacceptable. You need to go sit in that chair in the corner and think about how you’ve been acting. I’ll tell you when you can get up.”

– You got distracted with a fun new project. You glanced at the clock a little while ago and knew you should really start dinner, but decided to work “just five more minutes.” Suddenly your husband walks in the door and you realize it’s dinner time, but you haven’t started a thing. He’s obviously angry, but he leaves the room for a few minutes and returns composed. How would you want him to react? “We have an agreement: when I get home, dinner is supposed to be ready. You need to learn to get your priorities straight.” And then he slaps you and says, “Now let’s pray that God will help you to remember this lesson and forgive you for your mistake.” Or, “I understand you’re really into that project, but when I get home I’m really tired and hungry. Next time could you maybe start something in the crock pot before you start working? That way you don’t have to stop working on your project once you’ve started, and we can eat on time.”

These scenarios sound ridiculous with adults, don’t they? And yet replace “husband” with “mother” or “father” and imagine yourself as a five-year-old who has been too busy in her imaginary world to eat her afternoon snack or to fold the washcloths you were asked to fold two hours ago and you’ve got scenarios children and parents are in every day. We would never dream of telling an adult to go sit in time-out and think about what they’ve done, nor would we consider one adult slapping the other as an acceptable way of teaching anything. (And implying that God condoned that slap would be considered by most to be spiritual abuse.) Yet we have no problem banishing children to a corner or a room to sit, alone, rather than getting to the root of their behavior, and many people see no problem with deliberately causing a child physical pain to “get a point across.”

When we consider the Golden Rule in our parenting, we’re not only considering how we’d want to be treated, we’re considering the factors we’d want others to consider when dealing with us. Would you want your new boss to recognize there’s a learning curve to your job, or would you be okay with him assuming you should know how to do your job perfectly after being told only once? How do you act when you’re scared, or hungry, or tired, or lonely, or sad, or embarrassed–are you always on your best behavior when one of those factors is in play? Are you even capable of acting appropriately in those situations? And yet so often people give no thought to what might be causing a child’s poor choices, to what they’re cognitively capable of at a particular age, or to what kind of behavior is not only age-expected but is actually developmentally necessary in order for that child to eventually mature into a healthy adult.

The bottom line is that behavior is a learned skill, no different from learning how to add or tie shoes or read. And we as adults are to be teachers who guide children as they learn those behavioral skills. And just as we recognize how illogical it would be to spank a child in order to teach them how to recite their ABC’s or to send them to time out for not remembering how to “carry” when adding double digits, it should be equally astounding to us to do those things when a child doesn’t immediately hop-to when asked to disengage from a favorite activity or when they push a boundary in a developmentally-healthy way. We need to remember what it is we want children to learn when disciplining them, and make sure the consequence drives them towards that understanding. If a child’s toy breaks because he was jumping on it, then they learn jumping on toys = they break = I can’t play with it anymore. A spanking for jumping on a toy just tells them “I get spanked when I jump on this toy.” What happens when they no longer care about spanking, or when the threat of spanking isn’t there because you can’t see them? They’ll jump on the toy! They haven’t learned to treat their toys appropriately, they haven’t learned that jumping on things mean they’ll break. Will they eventually come to that understanding as they mature, even if they were spanked? Of course–a thirty-year-old isn’t going to jump on his belongings and not understand the outcome. But then why spank? Why not let the natural and logical consequence be learned, rather than administering a developmentally pointless spanking?

Another downside to punitive discipline is how it can destroy the relationship between parent and child. Do you trust people who deliberately hurt or belittle you? If your husband or wife slapped you or shamed you or sent you off alone every time you exhibited poor behavior, what would your relationship look like? Obedience comes from the heart, and if the heart is bitter or walled-up with resentment from being deliberately hurt by a person who is supposed to care for and protect them, then obedience is never going to come. If we want our children to trust us to have their best interest in mind, then we need to make sure we protect and nurture our relationship with them. If we want them to listen to us in their teens, then we need to make sure we’re building their trust in us in their early years. Building that relationship doesn’t mean giving into their every whim and tiptoeing around their misbehavior. It doesn’t mean they will never be angry at us. It means the consequences we mete out “fit the crime,” that we don’t belittle them or shame them or mock them, and that we handle their anger appropriately by reflecting their emotions to show we understand and giving them the space to be angry while showing them that their anger doesn’t make us love them any less.

At the heart of the Golden Rule is the concept of grace. We want it extended to us–why should it not be extended to children as well? This doesn’t mean withholding every consequence of their actions from them. It means tempering the consequence to fit their developmental level and understanding, and sometimes, yes, withholding the consequence. If a child was reaching for the handle of a pot of boiling water, would you ‘withhold the consequence’ of spilling it on themselves by removing the child from the kitchen, or would stand back and watch and think, “Well, they’ll learn that lesson!”? For an older child, what is going to deepen their relationship with you and make it more likely that they’ll come to you with their problems–grounding them for a month when they mess up, or discussing their transgression (and discussing means actually letting them talk, too, not just talking at them) and allowing them a hand in determining the consequence, and possibly even saying, “I can see how troubled you are by your own behavior. I think you’ve learned the lesson for now,” and absolving them of any further ‘penance’?

Grace-based, gentle, “golden rule” discipline is far from easy. It requires constant balancing of consequences, expectations, and, as its name implies, grace. It can devolve into permissiveness if the parent is not vigilant, and the tools of the method can be punitively applied if the parent is not careful. But the payoff–a child who does not fear you, but trusts you, and who appropriately understands the concept of cause-and-effect and why certain behaviors are inappropriate–is worth every ounce of patience and effort that it requires. And for my fellow followers of Jesus, applying his words to our parenting helps our children to form a view of God that is reflective of His true character–loving, grace-filled, and forever guiding us with our best interests in mind. That outcome seems to me to be absolutely worth the work.

For some excellent discussion on and tools for gentle/grace-based discipline, go to the message boards at GentleChristianMothers.com and look for the Gentle Discipline forum, or peruse GYOB (get off your butt) Parenting. For my Christian peeps who are wondering about the Bible verses often quoted in support of the use of punishment in discipline, please check out the “Spare the Rod?” articles on Arms of Love Family Fellowship.

Gentle Parent - art by Erika Hastings at http://mudspice.wordpress.com/Welcome to the Carnival of Gentle Discipline

Please join us all week, April 26-30, as we explore alternatives to punitive discipline. April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month in the USA and April 30th is Spank Out Day USA. In honor of this we have collected a wonderful array of articles and essays about the negative effects of punitive discipline methods, like spanking, and a myriad of effective alternatives.

Are you a Gentle Parent? Put the Badge on your blog or website to spread the word that gentle love works!

Links will become available on the specified day of the Carnival.

Day 1 – What Is Gentle Discipline

Day 2 – False Expectations, Positive Intentions, and Choosing Joy (coming Tuesday, April 27)

Day 3 – Choosing Not To Spank (coming Wednesday, April 28)

Day 4 – Creating a “Yes” Environment (coming Thursday, April 29)

Day 5 – Terrific Toddlers; Tantrums and All (coming Friday, April 30)

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My life is a game of Tetris…

Posted by novelmama on February 17, 2010 · Leave a Comment 

…except I never get to level up.

I was a Tetris fanatic in the 90’s. I had this great knockoff version with all sorts of wacky levels. I was the bomb; I totally rocked that game. It was how I de-stressed from high school and college pressures, and to this day it’s my most favorite computer/video game to play.

I think part of why I like it so much is because I love making everything fit with no wasted space. One would think this would completely carry over to my home, and that it would be spotless and extremely well-organized. One would think this, but one would be wrong. I’m not sure why. Probably because I have a tendency to hold on to every little thing as though every memory connected to it would be forever lost if I got rid of it. This is only partly stupid, since I do have a tendency to forget things. Lots of things.

Anyway.  I live my life like I’m playing Tetris. Every spare second gets devoted to something so there’s no wasted time, and more often than not I try to multitask to get even more done. I check email while I’m nursing PJ. I eat lunch while I’m blogging. I read while I…well, that one is a bit TMI, but I’m sure you’re getting the picture. I never have down time. I’m constantly trying to figure out what I can cross off my To-Do list in this little sliver of time over here, or while I do such-and-such. Heck, I don’t even watch The Office without working on something else at the same time. And until now I have prided myself on being productive, on being able to juggle being a mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter and a novelist.

But then I took this month off from writing. I wish I could say I’d taken it off from all writing-related stuff, but I couldn’t go that far. Emails still need to be answered. Interviews still needed to be conducted. Books still needed to be sent out. But the thing that takes up the bulk of my time, the actual crafting of a story, that I got to set aside. And I can’t say that I’ve been relaxing, but I’ve been doing more of the things I enjoy doing. Crafting stuff. Reading books for fun. Things that I can’t bring myself to justify when I’m on deadline. And I’m getting a little clarity on just how messed up my life has been. Granted, a lot of that messed-up-ness came from having a deadline I almost didn’t make. I had a contract to fulfill and it required working overtime. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about that. But it became my normal. I started thinking that, when I’m working on a book, that’s how life was supposed to be. And I’m realizing how incredibly unhealthy that was.

I’m not sure where this drive came from to have every second of my day count toward getting things done. I think it’s from trying to be so many things at once. All those responsibilities require that I be doing something all the time–learning more about discipline and parenting (and actually disciplining and parenting), nurturing my relationship with Dan, making playdates and answering emails to keep friendships going strong, and, of course, doing all the little things that one does when trying to launch a writing career. If I slack off, how will I ever catch up? At least that’s the thought that goes through my head as I try to juggle three things at once. But what happens is that I’m never fully present in any of my roles. I suspect this is a common problem and not unique to me as a mom/wife/friend/writer. But I wonder if others have figured out how to compartmentalize their thoughts more successfully than me. How can I focus on my writing when I can hear the girls downstairs asking for me? How can I focus on my girls when I know my husband feels neglected? How can I focus on my husband when some tricky plot point keeps pinging through my brain, trying to get itself figured out?

These are the questions that make me doubt the wisdom of being a working mom. I can’t deny God has given me a passion and a talent for writing, and I can’t deny that he brought two amazing contracts and the world’s best agent into my life. But how much honor am I doing to the other roles he’s given me when I can’t focus on any one of them at a time? This is further complicated by my convictions that attachment parenting is the healthiest way to raise a child.  I’m not willing to put my children in daycare, or wean them before they’re emotionally and physically ready. So that means they’re in the house when I’m trying to write, and if PJ starts crying to be nursed, I need to stop whatever I’m working on to go do that. Yes, it’s disruptive to my creative process, and yes it means I have to make up that time, often working right up until dinnertime. But how can I not, when I feel so strongly that this is the way God wants me to parent?

And around and around it goes.

In March I’ll start back with work again, researching my next novel, working on its outline, and also editing the novel whose rough draft I finished last month. In April I’ll begin the actual writing of that next book, and that’s when things are really going to change. My word count for the last book was 3000 words a day. Starting in April, it will be 4200. The difference is that I’m only going to write Monday through Friday. Upping my count will allow me to take the weekends off and still finish the book in the two months my schedule allows. And on the weekends I’m going to try very, very hard to keep myself off my email, off Facebook and Twitter, and to not let myself think too much about writing. I’m going to try not to live the mad scramble that leads me to obsessively schedule every minute of my life with something “productive.” I’m going to take up crochet again, and try to teach myself knitting, too. I’m going to finish that quilt I started two years ago, maybe try my hand at making clothes for the girls. And I am going to make a conscious effort not to multitask. My brain needs a break.

We’ll see how it goes. But for now, for the remaining eleven days of my month of no writing, I’m going to focus on relaxing, and finishing these other little projects–the quilt, the curtains for the girls’ room–that feed a different part of my soul. It’s a thirsty place that’s been waiting for a good drenching for a while. Hopefully a month of nurturing will save it from withering away completely.

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Out of hiding

Posted by novelmama on October 3, 2009 · Leave a Comment 

I thought I had posted something a month or two back, but I don’t see it here for some reason. I swear I haven’t abandoned this blog. In fact, I’m planning on writing on it somewhat regularly now. So, if there’s anyone out there who keeps checking back, congratulations, your diligence is being rewarded. :)

I discovered a great way to a) keep Abby happy and b) tire her out. My new best friend is…THE OBSTACLE COURSE. We spent an hour or so in the front room this evening putting new ones together for her to go through, and she didn’t care at all about improving her time–as soon as one was done, she wanted a new one. Unfortunately there’s only so much you can do with a cardboard fort, tall laundry basket, hula hoop and hobby horse. But now that I know it’s a hit with her you can be sure I’m going to keep an eye out for other household items we can drag in there to toss into the mis.

Another great discovery has been “Unplugged Play” by Bobbi Conner. WOW is this book great. Three different age groups covering ages 12 months to 10 years, and it’s all “No batteries. No plugs. Pure fun” according to the cover, and they’re right. As we move into our first “real” winter here in CO, I’m realizing days are going to be really boring when we’re cooped up inside because of the weather. I really, really, really want to get the boxes in the basement unpacked so we have more space down there, and start setting up some stations for both Abby and PJ. I highly recommend it.

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WAHMing and Kiddos and Politics, oh my!

Posted by novelmama on July 28, 2009 · 3 Comments 

Just what I need, another blog to keep updated! Actually it *is* what I needed–My Creative License blog has been needing a makeover for a while now, and part of that required narrowing its focus. Now I can finally do that. Creative License is now my writing blog–well, it’s always been that, but now it can finally be that exclusively–and this one will serve as my outlet for ranting about politics, working through WAHMhood, and discussing the parenting theories I follow (or avoid like the plague).

I’d love to start with something profound, or at least something well-thought-out, but sorry, yer gettin’ neither. Laundry’s buzzing to be switched, the farmer’s market opened 10 minutes ago, and AJ wants to go build stuff at Home Depot, so off I go. But at least I’ve gone live here! Drop me a comment and say hi. :)

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