Some recent doula questions..

Who’s your doula?

I’m gonna try to get to all of these tonight…

how do I get started being a doula? I am trained, but I have never had a baby, never attended a birth. I hate to go up to a pregnant mom and say, “Yes, I’ve never had a baby, never actually been at a birth, but I’ll help you in your labor….” any great suggestions or ideas??

I really strongly suggest going to your local crisis pregnancy center and leaving your info and business card there! (You can get your first card batch for free at 4over4.com) Your first several births will likely be no charge…it’s totally worth it. You get experience (and word of mouth advertising) and they get a better birth experience for free! Also check with your local natural health stores and LLL chapter for referrals. It’s a lot of work at first, but eventually you’ll have more births than you can handle

Everyone I tell that I want to try to have this baby naturally they laugh at me. (Why would I want to do that when you can take something to not feel the pain?) I think if you have a good quiet peaceful atmosphere, and you really want it then you would have a high chance of no drugs. What kind of advice would you give me?

I would encourage you to decide what kind of birth is best for you and your baby. If you feel confident and happy with your choice to have a med-free birth, go for it! Don’t let their comments discourage you. Medicated birth is a fairly new thing in the grand scheme of history, and woman have been having med-free births for thousands of years.

People tend to think it’s “crazy” because they view birth pain as unmanagable…partially because our cultural ‘norm’ of medicated birth has caused us to lose the time-proven ways of comforting a mother through labor. Emotional support, a collection of laboring positions, freedom to move around, heat, being submerged in water, skilled massage, knowledge of how your body works, relaxation techniques and a calm atmosphere give women options in managing her labor. They don’t eliminate all discomfort (make no mistake, meds or not, labor is hard work for your body!), but they make labor much easier.

People tend to think med-free moms are crazy, because, sadly, most people think of a med-free birth as a “traditional” hospital birth (flat on your back in a bed with beeping monitors) minus the happy-inducing meds. A (positive) med-free birth looks completely different from a “normal” hospital birth altogether! Mom is free to move around, walk up and down halls, lean over the bed while getting a back massage, slowdancing with her birth partner, doing squats, lounging in the tub with her spouse, or rocking back and forth on an exercise ball.

You’re not nuts! If it’s a med-free birth you want, then research your comfort options and go for it, mama!

How much do you charge?
In my city, $300 is reasonable for a doula, but in bigger metros, $500 is a good price. I do a sliding scale. ($50 for single teen moms/single low-income moms to $300 depending on income. But I don’t really doula for the money)

Girls

"No!!"

I was just watching a video of the first time E. said, “nooooo”. She did it with a smile, and it sounded like “newwww”. She was cute as a button. Her eyes twinkled at the wonder of saying a new word. She rolled it around her mouth over and over, seeing if she cared for the feel of it, and finally decided she did.

Over the months, it evolved into a forceful, meaningful “NO!”. I was distraught, I felt insulted, and more than a little bit defensive. I tensed all over and dug in my heals. She did the same. I tried to look stern to show her I meant business. So did she. I swatted her to show her I was in control. She swatted me back. I said, “No hitting me!!” She said, “No hit Essie!” I finally noticed that my daughter was the perfect mirror image of me. That really made an impression on me. She was observing my behavior, and mimicking me…she was learning from me, and what she was learning wasn’t great. I needed to step back and reevaluate

Why was she doing what she was doing? I had been looking at her as a tyrant, like she thought she had all the power. In reality, she was feeling the will that God gave her developing. She felt powerless, and wondered if she could use her will. It totally changed the way I viewed my daughter.

I’ve had to learn to adore her “no” as much as I adore her “yes”.

She’s nearing the age when she’s learning how respect other’s boundaries (your “no”) and trying to figure out how to set her own (her “no”). It’s really a VERY important life skill that she’s developing right now. She’ll need the ability to have a firm “no” and let others know it’s non-negotiable. She’ll need in in friendships, marriage, parenthood, and in the workplace. It’s her way of keeping bad things out, and protecting the good things that God has graced her heart with. It’s still immature, but her ability to say “no” is a precious God-given tool for protecting her own spirit and resources He’s given her.

That doesn’t mean letting her rule the house. (I’m no pushover. ) She’s also learning the respect other people’s boundaries, which is just as important. But when she says no, I’ve really tried hard not to view her as being rebellious or questioning your authority. She’s truly trying to figure out if she has the ability to set boundaries, too. We can encourage her by loving her sloppy attempts at setting boundaries just as much as we love her charming moments. We can be firm with our boundaries and teach her how to cherish others.

When possible, on the things that are negotiable, she needs the ability to chose. If she doesn’t want to hug and would rather play, (“no hug, I get down and play!!”) I let her down. If she doesn’t want her hair touched (“NO touch my hair!”) I respect her physical boundaries and stop. During the times when she lacks the judgement to set good boundaries and rules for herself (bedtime, etc) or fails to recognize the boundaries I set (house rules, hurting others, etc), I step in and reinforce good choices for her.

A 2yo’s world of boundaries are very like jello that hasn’t solidified yet. She’s trying to figure out where the lines are drawn, how to respect them, who can draw the lines, and whether her lines will be respected, too. It’s messy. It takes testing every one of them over and over, and trying to draw her own rudimentary ones over and over. Eventually, it starts to solidify, and she walks out with the feeling of “I can draw lines! I can recognize other people’s line, too!” It’s so fun to watch her try to communicate her own needs, and telling other’s “I’m sorry” when she realizes she’s strayed too far over someone else’s.

It’s a unique season. It’s an interesting dance that requires patience, sensitivity, and a whole lot of work. But I’m really loving seeing her learn how to think for herself, and to respect other’s as well. Watching a little one grow up is such a privilege…how humbling to watch the formation of a person. Wow.