—Proverbs 16:32

TODAY’S DARE

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.

—Psalm 139:17–18

TODAY’S DARE

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them

—Romans 12:10

TODAY’S DARE

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today

Day 2: Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

—Ephesians 4:32

TODAY’S DARE

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness

—Ephesians 4:2 NIV

TODAY’S DARE

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

One area that we as parents often stress about, is the area of social emotional development. Toddlers are such capricious creatures that their behavior can lead us to think we are raising a future ax murderer. Luckily, when looking at toddlers through the lens of child development, we can see that many many behaviors are not only normal, but we can also learn tools to help our toddlers deal with the whirlwind of emotions that are typical at this age.

We are so excited when our infant turns into have a walking, talking child. Moms cry out, “Yipee we can reenter social life.” The era of playdates has begun. Much to our surprise, many of these encounters end in tears and even injuries. Where did we go wrong? Rest easy, toddler social skills are just not fully developed yet. Here are the social emotional milestones of toddlerhood:

o Solitary play, dependent on adult guidance
o Pretend play with dolls
o Refers to self by name
o Responds to simple direction.
o Strong feelings, but not capable of managing / identifying those feelings
o Beginning a sense of personal identity
o Possessive, often negative
o Easily frustrated
o Enjoys physical affection,
o Resistive to change
o More responsive to humor and distraction than discipline or reason.

What goals are realistic in terms of Social / Emotional Development?
Social emotional skills are a fundamental part of future school success. Even at the age of two, skills can begin to be introduced that will lead to social emotional growth. Prosocial goals for toddlers include:
o Showing sympathy
o Helping
o Giving
o Comforting another person in distress
o Cooperating with others to achieve a basic task
o Labeling basic feelings
o Turn taking

How can I help my toddler work toward these goals?
o Provide lots of support to toddlers in group play. Model how to take turns, comfort children who are having issues waiting for their turns. Avoid the word “share.” Sharing is a nebulous concept that is not easily understood, turn taking, however is concrete and easier to understand.
o Play turn-taking games.
o Model sympathy and comfort. Do not hesitate to say you’re sorry to a child. If a child hurts another child, instead of a forced apology, ask them what they can do to make their friend feel better. This sets them up to think of things from another person’s point of view. If they are not able to come up with an idea, provide them with some. “You can give your friend a hug, or you can say you’re sorry.”
o Talk about feelings and the way they look. Provide a running dialogue in the moment when your toddler is experiencing big feelings. “Your fists are clenched. You’re yelling. You are angry.”
o Acknowledge your own feelings. Big feelings can be scary for little ones, especially in their trusted adults. But you can expose your children to your own feelings when you are in control of them. “Mommy is really mad that the newspaper was left in the rain again.”

The most important thing to remember is to have realistic expectations. These little guys have only had two years to learn the complexities of emotions and empathy. Avoid labeling your own child or others as “bad,” “mean,” or “brats.” Even the most mature among us have bad days.

What is it like to have ADHD? What is the feel of the syndrome?

Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all, I resent the term. As far as I’m concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don’t have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.

But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what’s it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn’t even exist, but believe me, it does. It’s like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what’s going on. Or, it’s like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it’s like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you’ve got another idea before you’ve finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you’re trying really hard. It’s just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.

Plus which, you’re spilling over all the time. You’re drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you’re not paying attention or that you’re not interested, but all you’re doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I’m taking a walk or listening to music or even when I’m in a crowded, noisy room than when I’m still and surrounded by silence.

What is it like to have ADHD?

Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, “Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once.” Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADHD, this does not happen. In ADHD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.

Impulse leads to action. I’m very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That’s why I, like so many people with ADHD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one’s words before uttering them. We ADHD-types don’t do this so well. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done.

As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you’ve got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks.

Many of us with ADHD crave high-stimulus situations. And I love having lots of people around. Obviously this tendency can get you into trouble, which is why ADHD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and criminals, violent people, drug abusers, and alcoholics. But is is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly energetic, highly productive people.

Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn’t get mentioned when people speak about ADHD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he’d never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it.

Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a “feel” for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can’t explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the shortcut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel.

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this “sixth sense” many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and “good” behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.

What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people’s, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted.

The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like “lazy,” “stubborn,” “willful,” “disruptive,” “impossible,” “tyrannical,” “a spaceshot,” “brain damaged,” “stupid,” or just plain “bad.”

Let me leave you by telling you that we need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who’s acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADHD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it’s too late.

The main point of the talk is that there is a more complex subjective experience to ADD than a list of symptoms can possibly impart. ADHD is a way of life, and until recently it has been hidden, even from the view of those who have it. The human experience of ADHD is more than just a collection of symptoms. It is a way of living. Before the syndrome is diagnosed that way of living may be filled with pain and misunderstanding. After the diagnosis is made, one often finds new possibilities and the chance for real change.

The adult syndrome of ADHD, so long unrecognized, is now at last bursting upon the scene. Thankfully, millions of adults who have had to think of themselves as defective or unable to get their acts together, will instead be able to make the most of their considerable abilities. It is a hopeful time indeed.

Love,

To do today:

• Pick up RXs (yes, our family with all the special needs, keep the pharmaceutical companies in business)
• Return library books
• Pick up gift for birthday party tomorrow
• Hebrew lesson with kids

Not too much, but enough to make flighty me need a list, so there it is.

Love,