Struggling.

I don’t even know how I am going to survive this.  I totally know that God is good and He is holding me up, but I just hurt so badly.  Even my body hurts.  My skin is breaking out in rashes.  I feel exhausted or sick all of the time.  It feels as if my heart has been ripped open and is unable to heal.

I’m struggling tonight and I just want to talk with him.  No, that’s not true.  That’s not “just” what I want.  I want him here.  I want his arms wrapped around me.  I want him to pray over me like he used to.  I want him to tell me it’s going to be alright.

My eyes burn from tears.  I didn’t know that was possible.  I literally have what looks like burn marks on the edges of my eyes.  The sorrow is so deep it’s crazy!  And yet I do find joy.  It’s really an odd mix of emotions.  I can go for weeks feeling so strong, and then just in one moment it can come crashing down very hard on me.  This is one of those moments.

Our youngest was laying on my lap falling asleep and she looked up at me and said, “I want my daddy”.  I just sobbed.  I do not like how many times she has fallen asleep listening to me cry.  A child should not go through something like this.  I know that my girls will be stronger for this…that by me staying strong, they will become strong…but, darn it all, I just cannot stand that they are being subjected to this!

Everyone was so concerned with protecting these girls who accused…these girls who concocted lies to destroy…but, no one thought to protect my little girls.  No one thought that these lies need to be more carefully investigated because there are others in this equation that are completely innocent and completely being mangled by all of this.  Why did no one think of them?

I’m angry, to be honest.  I’m angry that this happened.  I’m angry that a jury of our peers sat and listened to the same stuff I sat and listened to and came back with such a bogus conviction.  I’m angry that they left the courtroom hooting and hollering…high fiving each other and carrying on.  How dare they!  How dare they care so little for the life of this man and his family!  At the least they could’ve had the decency to be somber as they walked the hallway toward their own freedom.  It was the least they could’ve done as my family was being bound up in the chains they threw at us.

My husband and I have never been apart from each other for longer than 2-3 days (think men’s retreat or quick business trips).  We have now been apart from each other for other two months.  I don’t know how to heal from this.  It feels like too much.

And on top of all of that, I am here trying to keep this family financially afloat.  Our bread-winner is gone.  We are a homeschooling family.  And I will not allow a job to take me away from these girls after all this has happened.  I am working to create income for myself from home and so far we have been able to survive (with the help of friends/family offering jobs to make some income and the fact I turned both cars in to the bank).

God is good.  I know that.  I feel that.  I just hurt right now.  And as crazy as it sounds…my skin hurts right now.  Whenever I go through a tough stress time, my skin burns and itches.  It’s like my emotion is worn on my flesh!  It’s so strange.  I need to get myself healthy.  I need to nourish my body.  I’m needing to get up on my feet and fight.

I don’t know how to end this.  I’ll just sign off.  I’m really tired and it’s best for me to leave this be for now.