My life is a game of Tetris…

…except I never get to level up.

I was a Tetris fanatic in the 90’s. I had this great knockoff version with all sorts of wacky levels. I was the bomb; I totally rocked that game. It was how I de-stressed from high school and college pressures, and to this day it’s my most favorite computer/video game to play.

I think part of why I like it so much is because I love making everything fit with no wasted space. One would think this would completely carry over to my home, and that it would be spotless and extremely well-organized. One would think this, but one would be wrong. I’m not sure why. Probably because I have a tendency to hold on to every little thing as though every memory connected to it would be forever lost if I got rid of it. This is only partly stupid, since I do have a tendency to forget things. Lots of things.

Anyway.  I live my life like I’m playing Tetris. Every spare second gets devoted to something so there’s no wasted time, and more often than not I try to multitask to get even more done. I check email while I’m nursing PJ. I eat lunch while I’m blogging. I read while I…well, that one is a bit TMI, but I’m sure you’re getting the picture. I never have down time. I’m constantly trying to figure out what I can cross off my To-Do list in this little sliver of time over here, or while I do such-and-such. Heck, I don’t even watch The Office without working on something else at the same time. And until now I have prided myself on being productive, on being able to juggle being a mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter and a novelist.

But then I took this month off from writing. I wish I could say I’d taken it off from all writing-related stuff, but I couldn’t go that far. Emails still need to be answered. Interviews still needed to be conducted. Books still needed to be sent out. But the thing that takes up the bulk of my time, the actual crafting of a story, that I got to set aside. And I can’t say that I’ve been relaxing, but I’ve been doing more of the things I enjoy doing. Crafting stuff. Reading books for fun. Things that I can’t bring myself to justify when I’m on deadline. And I’m getting a little clarity on just how messed up my life has been. Granted, a lot of that messed-up-ness came from having a deadline I almost didn’t make. I had a contract to fulfill and it required working overtime. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about that. But it became my normal. I started thinking that, when I’m working on a book, that’s how life was supposed to be. And I’m realizing how incredibly unhealthy that was.

I’m not sure where this drive came from to have every second of my day count toward getting things done. I think it’s from trying to be so many things at once. All those responsibilities require that I be doing something all the time–learning more about discipline and parenting (and actually disciplining and parenting), nurturing my relationship with Dan, making playdates and answering emails to keep friendships going strong, and, of course, doing all the little things that one does when trying to launch a writing career. If I slack off, how will I ever catch up? At least that’s the thought that goes through my head as I try to juggle three things at once. But what happens is that I’m never fully present in any of my roles. I suspect this is a common problem and not unique to me as a mom/wife/friend/writer. But I wonder if others have figured out how to compartmentalize their thoughts more successfully than me. How can I focus on my writing when I can hear the girls downstairs asking for me? How can I focus on my girls when I know my husband feels neglected? How can I focus on my husband when some tricky plot point keeps pinging through my brain, trying to get itself figured out?

These are the questions that make me doubt the wisdom of being a working mom. I can’t deny God has given me a passion and a talent for writing, and I can’t deny that he brought two amazing contracts and the world’s best agent into my life. But how much honor am I doing to the other roles he’s given me when I can’t focus on any one of them at a time? This is further complicated by my convictions that attachment parenting is the healthiest way to raise a child.  I’m not willing to put my children in daycare, or wean them before they’re emotionally and physically ready. So that means they’re in the house when I’m trying to write, and if PJ starts crying to be nursed, I need to stop whatever I’m working on to go do that. Yes, it’s disruptive to my creative process, and yes it means I have to make up that time, often working right up until dinnertime. But how can I not, when I feel so strongly that this is the way God wants me to parent?

And around and around it goes.

In March I’ll start back with work again, researching my next novel, working on its outline, and also editing the novel whose rough draft I finished last month. In April I’ll begin the actual writing of that next book, and that’s when things are really going to change. My word count for the last book was 3000 words a day. Starting in April, it will be 4200. The difference is that I’m only going to write Monday through Friday. Upping my count will allow me to take the weekends off and still finish the book in the two months my schedule allows. And on the weekends I’m going to try very, very hard to keep myself off my email, off Facebook and Twitter, and to not let myself think too much about writing. I’m going to try not to live the mad scramble that leads me to obsessively schedule every minute of my life with something “productive.” I’m going to take up crochet again, and try to teach myself knitting, too. I’m going to finish that quilt I started two years ago, maybe try my hand at making clothes for the girls. And I am going to make a conscious effort not to multitask. My brain needs a break.

We’ll see how it goes. But for now, for the remaining eleven days of my month of no writing, I’m going to focus on relaxing, and finishing these other little projects–the quilt, the curtains for the girls’ room–that feed a different part of my soul. It’s a thirsty place that’s been waiting for a good drenching for a while. Hopefully a month of nurturing will save it from withering away completely.

WAHMing and Kiddos and Politics, oh my!

Just what I need, another blog to keep updated! Actually it *is* what I needed–My Creative License blog has been needing a makeover for a while now, and part of that required narrowing its focus. Now I can finally do that. Creative License is now my writing blog–well, it’s always been that, but now it can finally be that exclusively–and this one will serve as my outlet for ranting about politics, working through WAHMhood, and discussing the parenting theories I follow (or avoid like the plague).

I’d love to start with something profound, or at least something well-thought-out, but sorry, yer gettin’ neither. Laundry’s buzzing to be switched, the farmer’s market opened 10 minutes ago, and AJ wants to go build stuff at Home Depot, so off I go. But at least I’ve gone live here! Drop me a comment and say hi.