A cry in the darkness

I can’t recall a moment when I was more miserable, and I’ve had a lifetime of miserable moments stored up. It was December 22nd, 2011 around 8am or so. I laid there in psychological agony and utter misery as I thought about the events of Sunday night…re-reading the texts and gtalk messages that laid out the evidence of a suicide attempt by my estranged husband who at the time had custody of our then fourteen year old son. (He’s come home to me and turned 15 since.)

I was crawling out of my skin with exposed emotions swirling, warring, coursing through my entire being.

It wasn’t thought or faith that brought me to my knees, but an overwhelming sense of abject failure.

I don’t know whether it was out loud or in my head, but I cried out to the Lord.

And He answered.

Oh my Lord, how He answered.

I know I’ll fail miserably in fully describing the moment because it was indescribable. More feeling than substance, but I felt the physical presence of arms around me and breath on my cheek and I knew more than heard the words that have sustained me since…

“It’s going to be okay”

And peace beyond measure filled me and joy overflowed.

Yeah, I know…roll your eyes if you must. I totally would have before it happened. There are moments since when I’ve doubted how real it was. Stress induced delusion anyone?

But it wasn’t.

And in another instant or perhaps even the same one, all the hurt and anguish and guilt and shame were sucked out of me…and in my mind’s eye I could see it like a Star Trek tractor beam, extracting the crap that had been building up, festering and feeding on my soul.

And when it was over, I cried.

Not a wah, wah, sniffle cry…a big, loud and releasing cry. And long…

Like it lasted two freaking hours long.

And I relived a lot of nasty, nasty stuff in those two hours. Things I’ve done, things done to me, opportunities missed, people I’ve hurt…lots and lots of people I’ve hurt.

And when it was all over and done…I was refreshed.

As if I’d slept for days. Though sleep was (and often still is) mighty scarce.

To be continued…