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The changes of the last few months are dizzying in their volume.  Our baby, whom we hoped to adopt, was sent to his birth-mother after having been in our home two days short of a year.  We pray for him and our hearts hurt with his absence.  One of the joys of fostering is the opportunity to reach into the lives of these littles, and provide for them a foundation of love, safety, and attachment.  The heart-ache we have, as a result, though, is that these little ones are not ours.  Not in the forever sense that we sometimes imagine.  We’re working to accept and move forward.  But we pray every day for DFS3.  We’re praying that he’s found stability, love, health…

You know, people ask me if I would like to hear from him.

Honestly, the only things I want to hear is that he’s doing wonderfully.  That he’s taken his first steps.  That he’s speaking words and loving his new life.  Anything less, would be too much to bear.  So, I choose not to seek him out because of the fears I have about finding anything less then the very best that we pray for him…

After DFS3 left we spent the last couple months with more littles (and biggers) running around.  At one point topping our all time “most children at one time” record with six kiddos here in the house.  A 15 year old, a six year old, a four year old, a two year old, a one year old, and a newborn.

As of last week, though, we have brought our family back down to our three girls and are happy to be on a self-imposed sabbatical.  We need time to heal and re-evalute our plans for continuing as foster parents and we are recognizing that it’s time to really concentrate on resting.

In June we’ll be taking a vacation to Walt Disney World.  My mom will join us there.  I cannot even begin to articulate to you how excited I am about this upcoming vacation.  In fact, I have a travel ticker counting down the days and weeks.

After WDW we’ll come home for a little bit, before heading to Galveston for the fourth of July.  Then after we settle back into a rhythm, we will make a decision about our plans.  If I were being totally honest, right now, I yearn to bring a forever baby into our lives.  One that will not leave in a week, or three, or even a year.

We’re exploring our options and are finding ourselves drawn to special needs adoption.  We don’t know exactly the route that we will take. Or even if God will lead us down that path.  But we’re excited at the possibilities and happy to not be making any concrete plans as we rest.

Meanwhile, I resolve to be back more frequently.  We have lots of really fun family activities planned and lots that I’m excited to share.

So, Sunday morning we took the family out to eat before church and explained to DD1 and DD2 that they would no longer be going to children’s church or to nursery.  The girls only sort of protested and appeared resigned, but also satisfied, with our explainations.

Imagine my surprise when DD1 volunteered to pray the blessing over our food and this is what I heard:

“Dear God,

Thank you for the food.  Thank you for the good things to eat.  Also, please let Mama and Dada know how much we love nursery and will miss our friends and our play.  Please help them to change their minds and don’t make us sit in big church.

Amen.”

ROFL.

Dh kicked me under the table and whispered, “That stinker is trying to go over our heads on this!”

Could have just melted my heart.  The whole room was right there and we all went stunned silent.  For a heartbeat.  Before breaking out in a cheer with hugs and cuddles .

I love this little guy.

About all that’s left is cleaning.  And I do not want to clean.  Not today.

That is until today.

Just a moment ago I heard a small voice squeaking “Help!  Help!”

So I peeked around the corner to find my middle daughter stuck halfway up the shoe organizer.  She’d climbed up to get some shoes that were out of her reach, and managed to stick her foot in a pocket on the way down!

Not only am I looking forward to reconnecting, but I am starting to get excited about having a little mini family vacation. As silly as it sounds, I’ve never taken any time to explore Denver and the surrounding area. Traditionally, when we visit, we just spend time with family. However this time, I’d like to spend time with family and do something touristy. Aspen, Estes, Molly Brown’s house, Buffalo Bill’s gravesite, and the Denver Mint.. here we come!

*Can you believe that image is from TWO years ago Thanksgiving?
Sheesh, where has the time gone?

We try hard to meet her sensory needs through a lot of different sensory related activities.  Rice play, water sports, tumbling, swinging…  Even without conscious effort we can help her.  A heavy backpack or a basket of laundry can be really effective tools for getting proprioceptive input ino her body. Proprioceptive input helps balance serotonin dopamine, which in turns will help DD1′s brain regulate and keeps her in a neutral and relaxed state of learning.

Our biggest challenge to date, has been figuring out how to advocate for her at school.  Two weeks ago she started Kindergarten and absolutely LOVES it.  She loves her teacher, her fellow students, and comes home everyday with new stuff she’s learning.  Unfortunately, there are specific points to SPD that can make out-of-home learning difficulty.  In DD1′s case, she struggles with sitting quietly.  This can become an issue during lunch and nap time.  (Areas we’ve always seen as “hard” for her.)

I’m hoping to be able to get together with her teacher or a counselor to talk to her school about what they offer for kids with SPD.  In an ideal world she would be allowed to do her body brushing (ie: The Wilbarger Deep Pressure and Proprioceptive Techinique [DPPT]) and her teacher would work with her to do some deep pressure activities before being expected to do quiet seat work.  (She LOVES jumping jacks and crab crawls.).

However, there are things we’re working on here at the house.  We’re doing a walk in the a.m. before school starts.  She likes the walks.  We walk backwards, we skip, we do bunny hops across the street, and she wiggles her way sideways.  By the time we get in the car to go to school, she’s ready to sit for a while.  We’re also eating high protein breakfast and working to provide her with a high protein lunch.  After school we do a half an hour of big muscle work and a snack.

I’m hoping that as we get into the rhythm of things, and as we settle into the new year, that we find a system that works best for her.

Well, yesterday we started the conversion process. I packed up my office/craft area and bought a desk for the new office space. Today I relocated all my electronic equipment (phew!) and will sweep and mop the old office before we move a bed into that room.

Meanwhile, I’m not sure how I like the new space. My new desk digs into my wrists while I type, my mouse grits across the desk surface (what is that about?) and because of the cord situation the printer is in my navigation area for my right hand. I can tell that I’m going to have to work on a few things before this new office area feels like “home.”

Add to all that, this moving has kicked up dust I never new existed. My poor DFD5 (here as a respite placement) has gotten her pretty white socks all gross with dust and dirt. And her right knee (which she drags around as she scoots) looks like it could use a serious bath. LOL.

I know, I know. It sounds like I’m whining. I promise I am only sort of whining.

Truly there are some real advantages to this new set up. I have better desk space for both computers. I have better storage for cords and the computer consoles and once the conversion is complete I’ll have a FANTASTICALLY organized library and craft area. Not to mention, we’ll have a fourth bedroom again!

Even with me trying to keep all my butterflies contained, DD1 did end up getting nervous at the last minute. In fact, she hugged my leg as hard as she could, but her arms were shaking, so it really wasn’t nearly as tight as she was trying. She never cried, but I could see it in her eyes and the way she was chewing on her hands that she was doing everything she could to contain herself.

I wish more than anything I could be a fly on the wall in her room.

Sigh.

I know that I’ve done everything I know to get her ready for this. We even practiced how she can politely correct people when they say her name wrong. I watched her have an opportunity to explain how to pronounce her name, when her teacher asked her for clarification. She was so sweet about it, and yet so clear.

Oh yes, I sent snacks for the class. They had asked for five students to sign up to bring snacks for the first week. I never saw a sign up form, and had no idea if anyone had put their name down. But decided to just send something non-perishable and hope that they could store it if there wasn’t any need for them this week. Turns out, DD1 was the only one to bring snacks. Her Kindergarten teacher was sooo happy that she bragged on DD1 to several other K teachers who apparently ended up snackless.

DD1 is in a fairly sizable class. It’s 21 kids strong. I snuck by the room (we dropped the K’s off in the cafeteria) and snapped a shot of DD1′s desk…

I’m trying not to be emotional about this. But can’t help but feel a little bit misty. I worry about all the “what if’s” even while my brain reassures me that she’s in the best possible school with the best possible teacher. “They” warn you that the first day of school is hard. I just never expected it to be this rough for me.