Posted by erinee on July 26, 2010 · 1 Comment
Journal
No deep thoughts today. I went to a DA phone meeting this morning. It was pretty good. It might be a place for me to find people who have worked the steps and get some specific help with that. I’ll try to go again tomorrow.
I got a call from RETA, the crisis pregnancy center today. They got my application to volunteer. The back story is that I had been thinking about being a parent coach for their Earn While You Learn program. At my counseling appointment a few weeks ago, I was telling her that being a parent is the one thing I’ve ever truly felt successful at (note that doesn’t mean I think I’m a perfect parent!), and she asked why. We talked about it, and she said, “You should consider doing parenting classes — I’m serious, you’d be great at it.” My jaw just about dropped open. I told her about my desire to do this, and she thought I should really pursue it. I came home and told Scott about it, and he was all for it. So I’m going Wednesday to talk to them.
Anyway, service is part of recovery. I struggle with self-esteem issues, and service is an antidote for that as well. Also, I have tremendous anxiety about what I’m going to do as my kids get older and my passion — being a parent — is sort of taken away from me (as much as I know I will always be a parent). I’ve mentioned before that a large part of my spending is an effort to make sure I don’t miss anything as a parent, because they will be with me for such a short time and I constantly feel this part of my life slipping away. I think finding a way to use this passion outside of my own family will help ease that anxiety and thus that desire to spend.
Evening check-in
Spent nothing at all today, no new debt.
Did devotions.
Finally attended phone meeting.
Recent victories
Finding the courage to actually dial in to a phone meeting is big for me.
Yesterday I went to work thinking I was going to buy Zach Axe shampoo, since he’s been asking me for it. I ended up talking myself out of it, telling myself that the kids have plenty of shampoo, and if Zach wants a special kind he needs to spend his own money to buy it.
What I did buy yesterday was some pop and sandwich stuff to take with us in a cooler when we go to the fair tomorrow so that I don’t break down and buy us expensive drinks when we got thirsty — I planned ahead, which is another BIG component in keeping myself from over-spending.
Gratitude list
My patio where I can drink my coffee in the morning and do my devotions and listen to the birds — it’s so peaceful.
The roses from my yard that are sitting in the window by my kitchen sink in a vase that came from my grandmother’s house.
Our vacation in 2 days! Looking forward to reconnecting with my kids after a very stressful summer.
Fair tomorrow!
That Megan got up and cleaned her room this morning without Scott having to wake her up and remind her. He had told her last night she needed to clean it before she had her friend over today. He went in there this morning to get her up, and she popped out from behind her bed with a big grin and had it almost all done already!
Posted by erinee on July 24, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Yesterday was a busy day. My mom was here to see Megan in Annie. Megan had rehearsal until noon, then I picked her up in Mishawaka and swung around to pick Scott’s mom up in Goshen so she could come with us to see the performance, then back to Dunlap. My mom was already there (fortunately Zach was there to greet her). We had to have Megan back at 5:30.
The performance was great. I can’t believe those kids put it together in 10 days — really 9, since the first day was just auditions. The sound was really bad, but the kids were amazing! Megan says she wants to do it again. He talked about doing Honk, Peter Pan, or Alice In Wonderland next.
Check-in for yesterday:
$20 on gas (now that I won’t be driving back and forth to Mishawaka every day, my gas expenses should be cut considerably).
$3.95 at Wendy’s for Megan’s supper — Scott got pizza for the rest of us at Barnaby’s after we dropped Megan off.
Gratitude List
That the rain held off JUST long enough last night for them to get the performance in! With my mom coming all the way from Michigan, it would have been very disappointing if they had to reschedule for Sunday — and I have to work Sunday, so I probably would have had to miss it, too!
Seeing my little girl sing so joyfully on stage.
Barnaby’s pizza — that was good stuff! I won’t say how many pieces I ate.
Posted by erinee on July 22, 2010 · 1 Comment
Just a quick post to share my intention of attending Celebrate Recovery tonight. I am filled with anxiety at the thought of walking into a room full of people by myself and not knowing what kind of people will be there (the people scare me more than the content). But I know it’s important. Keep me accountable, please. I’ll update when I get home tonight.
Update: It was a bust. 
I tried two different meetings, one in Goshen and one in Elkhart. I went to the 6:00 meeting at The Church Who Shall Not Be Named (sorry, tongue-in-cheek Harry Potter reference there) and there was one car in the parking lot. All the doors were locked, and I figured the car was a custodian. I left and saw another car come in with about 4 men inside. I watched, and they knocked at the door for a couple minutes and someone let them in. I decided to try the other meeting instead.
The other meeting was at a church that meets in the mall, and it was supposed to start at 7. So I walked around a little and a little before 7 kind of hung out outside the place where the church meets. No one showed up, and it remained dark inside.
So I guess I’ll try the contact numbers. I had tried emailing the one that met at the mall once, but she never replied. I didn’t try contacting the one that met at the church, but my counselor said she knew someone who was actively involved in that group, so I figured it was safe to try. If I can’t get in touch with anyone, I’ll try some of the other groups on the website, even if they’re a little farther away. I really feel like getting involved with a face-to-face group, and finding a face-to-face sponsor, is essential to my recovery being sustainable. I’ll keep trying.
Check-In
$206 at the vet for shots for the dogs. Scott said he would pay me back for it, but it was good to know that I had the money to cover it.
$28 on gas
Gratitude list
That my mom gets to come down and see Megan’s play and the new house.
The book my friend bought me arrived today and is fantastic! I’m thankful for resources and friends who provide them for me.
My wonderfully supportive husband.
Posted by erinee on July 21, 2010 · 1 Comment
Journal
Got very ill last night, so I didn’t update. Megan had a stomach bug for a couple of days that I caught. Blech. I’m feeling okay now, just tired and achy.
I managed to finish getting Megan everything she needed for her costumes at Goodwill and Salvation Army, but I still wasn’t compulsive about it. I was willing to let it go and let them make do if I couldn’t find everything. A big step forward.
I had a counseling session yesterday. I asked her what she knew about Celebrate Recovery, and she said she knows one person who is very involved in it, a woman. So she said she would call her and ask her about it and get me some more information, just so I know a little more about what kind of dynamic I’m walking into. I know the program itself is something I would be very comfortable with, it’s not knowing who will be there that’s hard for me for some reason. I haven’t heard from her yet, but she said she’d get back with me by today so I can go to the meeting tomorrow night.
Yesterday’s spending:
$4 at Goodwill for shoes and hat for Megan’s costume and a video of Annie. Yes, the video was an impulsive buy, even though it was only 50 cents.
$9 at Bullards for sweet corn, blueberries, peaches, and tomatoes. Another impulsive buy. (It’s not the impulse buys are all bad, but I need to be aware of them.)
Paid cash that I had in hand for everything.
Today’s spending
Stamps — $7, paid cash
Gratitude list
Fresh blueberries
Feeling better after being sick
That Zach has found a friend from band who lives in the neighborhood. The kid also plays trumpet, and he had another friend over, so Zach made two friends yesterday.
I was telling a friend on a messageboard about some resources for spending addiction, and I mentioned a book I wanted called “Currency of Hope” that is published by Debtor’s Anonymous. I mentioned that my library doesn’t have it, but I heard it was good. Another friend emailed me and asked if she could buy it for me. I told her I would be very blessed by that and that I would bless someone in turn by passing it on when I’m through with it.
The opportunity to attend a CR group tomorrow night. I’m hoping I have the courage to actually GO this time. I feel like this is the last step I need to take — other than finding a sponsor, but this is probably the best resource for doing that.
Posted by erinee on July 19, 2010 · 2 Comments
Things are finally calming down, and it’s time to get back to blogging and focusing on this a little bit every day. I have been keeping my numbers daily in my notebook and totally up categories at the end of the month. It does help to see everything.
I haven’t overdrafted my bank account at all. I probably have not put as much in the bank as I could. I still spend more than I need to on snacks at work or pop. What is different is that I am spending cash that I have — but it’s also cash that could be applied to my debt. So I need to work on that.
I still haven’t gone to a Celebrate Recovery meeting, even though I’ve asked for Thursday evenings off work so I can go. It’s a scary thing to walk into a place like that where I don’t know anyone all alone. I don’t even like to go to church without Scott. And I’m afraid people will think my spending addiction is silly when compared with alcohol or drugs or pornography. I will try again this Thursday.
Check-In for today:
$2.00 spent on 7-Up for Megan, who had an upset stomach, and a Mountain Dew and trail mix during my break at work.
Gratitude list:
My new home.
Hearing Megan’s sweet voice practicing for Annie.
Goals:
No spending tomorrow
Go to counseling session tomorrow morning
Go to CR meeting Thursday — possibly ask a friend who also struggles with spending addiction (as well as hoarding) to go with me.
Baby steps:
Megan needs some things for Annie, including brown boot-like shoes and a brown skirt for her orphan costume and white button-down shirt, black skirt, and black shoes for a servant costume in one scene. Before running out and buying things, I checked around the house and found a few of Zach’s old shirts that she can wear for the orphan costume. Then I went to Goodwill and bought a brown skirt for 50 cents, a white button-down shirt for 50 cents, and brown shoes for $3. I couldn’t find black shoes or a black skirt, and I was tempted to just buy her some at Meijer. I had cash, but that cash was supposed to be deposited in the bank. Instead of buying them last night when the compulsion to get everything on the list was strong, I decided I would try a couple other Goodwill stores in the next couple days. Then I got an email today from the assistant director saying that they were able to fill in some of the costuming needs from their stash. So I’ll go ahead and check Goodwill, but if I can’t find anything there I’ll just let it go and let them figure it out! I can do that. Megan doesn’t have to have these things. The world won’t stop if she doesn’t have a black skirt — she can wear her black pants instead, or they can find her something to wear. It will really be okay.
Posted by erinee on July 1, 2010 · 4 Comments
Journal
In looking at things tonight, I discovered that I currently have over $300 in my checking account and I’ve paid $270 on my debt so far. That means $570 that I have not spent in the last month — that is a huge step forward for me! Scott recognized that and said it’s like night and day. And I haven’t felt deprived or resentful about not being able to spend — just aware. I feel like if I had been aware, this is what I would have been doing all along.
I found out today that I didn’t get the library job. I’m so glad we closed on the house yesterday, or it would have felt like everything was going wrong. Scott knows how miserable I am at Meijer, and he doesn’t want me to get discouraged. He really would like to see me realize my goal of becoming a librarian. So we made a deal today that I keep on putting money in the bank while I pay on my debt regularly, and when I get to $1000 he’ll put $500 on my debt so I can sign up for my next class. I needed that push tonight, and it was good to know that after everything that’s happened, he cares enough to want to see me succeed. As bad as I was feeling today, it would have been easy to take my cash from Meijer and blow it to make myself feel better (my paycheck is put on a debit card that I take to customer service, and they give me cash for it, so I have cash in hand until I deposit it in the bank). I didn’t do that but handled it exactly like I have been and divided it up in my envelopes, including a deposit for tomorrow.
Evening Check-In
$3 — gift for my new grand-nephew (found a cute outfit for him, and I’ll probably add a little book to it — I always have to give a book)
$14 — pants for work (I’ve been needing these for weeks)
$6.88 — coffee & 2 gallons of water
$20 — gas
$10 — kids’ allowances
$100 — deposit
Gratitude Journal
My new house!
The potential to work at Megan’s school in the fall, walk to school with her every morning and eat lunch with her and see her during the day — better than the library!
My husband’s support and encouragement.
That my kids get to go to our family reunion and experience their heritage, even though I am heart-broken that I have to miss it because of work.
Posted by erinee on June 30, 2010 · 1 Comment
Wednesday Goals
No spending
Devotions — Matthew 9
Blog on next CR chapter
Make another CC payment (I can only pay on one of the cards every 15 days, which really irritates me. I should be able to make a payment tomorrow)
Pack!
Call counselor to reschedule Thursday’s appointment
Call library again and be a squeaky wheel
Buy a house!
Long-Term Goals
Find sponsor
Get to CR meeting
Journal
Evening Check-In
Paid $60 on debt — $270 paid, $5346 to go
Got lots of packing done
Rescheduled counseling appointment
Bought a house!!!
Gratitude List
That this looooong drawn-out business of selling the house is over!
Posted by erinee on June 29, 2010 · Leave a Comment
May not post for a couple of days, because it looks like we will be closing on our house tomorrow evening! I will be throwing things into boxes all day tomorrow!
Evening Check-In
Spent $9.86 at McDonald’s — we met my mom in Marshall so Megan could spend the rest of the week with her, so this was a planned trip, and I had set some of my money aside when I got paid for this purpose and managed not to spend it on anything else.
Did some specific sharing on my DA list that was an encouragement to some people. Sharing is a big part of this program — as we move forward, we need to encourage others and share our stories, it’s part of our own healing, gives meaning to our experience and helps to keep shame from creeping in.
Gratitude Journal
That things finally seem to be happening with the house! And that the timing is going to be pretty good for all of us.
Even if I don’t get the job at the library, I am hopeful. We will be living right behind the school I used to be a kindergarten para at, and the teacher I used to work for has already told me she will request me next year if they hire paras. If the library job isn’t for me, it will be wonderful to walk to school with Megan and see her during the day — even if I end up subbing again we’ll be able to do that at least some of the time. The gratitude is that Meijer is not forever, and I have something to look forward to even if the library doesn’t hire me.
Posted by erinee on June 28, 2010 · 2 Comments
Day 30 — one month of no new debt, cash only, no overspending, and being diligent. I’m thinking about the goals I set, and I want to think about how I’ve been doing with them — they have certainly been tweaked since I started, but they are essentially the same:
The goals from day 1:
It is not enough for me just to not have unsecured debt (this is the only requirement of debtor’s anonymous). My current situation was not the result of credit cards but my debit card. I did not keep track of my money, and when I would overdraft the bank would automatically deposit $250 from a home equity line of credit that was attached to my bank account. I did not seek out the debt, but I created it by not being careful and not realizing that I had an addiction that I could not control on my own. I have not incurred any new debt, have not used (or had access to) my debit card, have not withdrawn any money from my bank account except to pay my cc debt, have not written any checks. I have made do with whatever cash I keep out of my check each week when I get paid. I am planning, and I am aware.
I am on cash only now. I will get paid weekly from my new job. My husband and I will work out how much I need to put in the bank to pay off the credit cards that I transferred the balance of the line of credit to so that we can sell the house. I will need to keep careful track of the rest so that I ensure that I have gas money for the week. As above, I have been very diligent about this.
I will be accountable for all spending. Every night I will write down every bit of money I spend. I will show it to my husband whenever he wants to see it. I have done this faithfully, both in my notebook and here on my blog. I have taken it a step further and at the end of each week categorized my expenses to see where my money is going. In my notebook, each week is side-by-side, so it is very visual, which is good for me.
I will keep track of the days I am sober. Any time I try to hide a purchase from my husband, even if I paid cash for it, any time I lie about money, any time I overdraft my account, and any time I am late on a credit card payment, I will go back to day 1 of my sobriety. I have kept track, and I haven’t done any of the things I said would take me back to day 1. A few times I have been tempted to hide purchases, but I haven’t. It is still something I struggle with tremendously, however. I don’t know why, and I would really like to delve into the reasons more with the counselor, because I’m utterly perplexed by it.
Every morning I will make goals for the day. Every night I will evaluate how well I met my goals and what I need to do better. I could do better about making goals in the morning. I do a pretty good job of evaluating each day on this blog.
I will post a gratitude list daily. I have done this most days.
I will read the daily passages and entries at the One Year Bible Blog. I have done this most days, but not every day. I am finding it easier to just use my one-year plan in my Bible, though. As much as I love the author’s thoughts and “extras” on the Bible blog, it just isn’t as nice sitting at my computer. I’m still old-fashioned enough to prefer a book in my hands.
I will reflect daily on my strengths, but also remind myself that my weaknesses will be weaknesses forever. They don’t always have to be destructive, by the grace of God, but I can never stop being diligent. I could be better about doing this.
I will find a sponsor and meet with her weekly. This will preferably be face-to-face, but if I can’t find someone in my area, I will do phone meetings. I haven’t been able to find a sponsor yet. I hope that when I am able to get to a Celebrate Recovery meeting (I’ve told Meijer I can’t work on Thursday evenings anymore), I’ll find one there.
I will keep posting to my DA list. I will attend therapy sessions with a person who specializes in addictions. I’ve been doing both of these things, and they are both very helpful. On my DA list, I’ve been able to share some of my victories (like not withdrawing from my bank account the other day when I wanted Wendy’s) with people who really understand just what a victory it is, because they’ve been (or are) where I am.
I will get an official diagnosis and treatment plan for my ADD. Not taken action on this yet. I’m still talking with the addictions counselor, and our sessions have been so productive I don’t feel ready to switch gears just yet. Honestly, though, drinking bottled water seriously seems to be making a difference. Scott even mentioned it the other day!
I will not hide in shame. I will claim 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” God can use my weakness if I am honest and up front about it. If I can’t do that, then it’s all for nothing. I have been sharing about my journey with people who I feel can benefit from what I’m learning. I got up and lead worship in Bible school, even though I didn’t think I’d be able to do it with the weight of the shame, and it was very freeing to me. I went to church the last two weeks and sat in my usual spot. I’m not sharing everything with everyone, but I’m not hiding, either.
I will make goals for completing my education and getting a job that brings me great satisfaction. I will resolve not to be a chronic under-earner. I’ve been working on trying to get back in the library, but I haven’t signed up for another class yet, either. I have to pay off the debt. But maybe I’ll see how things are going in the fall, and if I either get a para position where I’ll be working steadily, or if it looks like I’ll be getting plenty of subbing, I’ll try to take a class. Scott remains supportive of this, but paying off the debt as soon as possible is certainly a priority.
I will remind myself daily of the things I want to save for — my own education, my children’s education, and to ease the burden for my husband and regain his trust. Those things are worth so much more than eating fast food for my lunch. I will reflect on this daily so that I will stay motivated to work the program. I haven’t done this real consciously. I need to post these somewhere I can see them regularly.
I will do a rotation on this blog of the 12 steps of DA — which are very similar to AA. I will post what I am doing to work those 12 steps. Switched to Celebrate Recovery because of its Biblical basis, but I’m trying to keep in mind how the correlate, as they use the same concepts and strategies.
Evening Check-In
$20 on gas
$2.89 on coffee (bought Meijer brand French roast, and it’s not too bad!)
Gratitude Journal
HR person at the library came through my lane tonight! She worked at the library way back when I was there full-time, so she knows me, although she didn’t recognize me. I’ve talked to her on the phone a couple of times since the position opened. She said they haven’t made any decisions yet! She didn’t know if they’d been doing interviews. So I’m thankful that there’s still hope, although I am also thinking it would be great to work at East Side again in the fall if it’s going to be right in our back yard and Megan will be going to school there. We’ll see.
Got a hopeful call from our realtor tonight — he said that the buyer’s new lenders are waiting on pretty much one piece of paper from the OLD lenders. I guess he had made them mad at one point because he was trying to get them moving, and he was afraid they were holding onto it out of spite. So he called them and apologized and said, “Look, there are a whole bunch of people being affected by this, I’m sorry you’re mad at me but don’t punish them.” They called him back 5 minutes later and said they would fax the paper work first thing in the morning. Once the new lenders have that, there is the possibility that they could turn it around in 24 hours, which would mean we could close on Wednesday, get the $6500 tax credit, be assured of the sale (we’re afraid our buyer will back out again if we don’t close by Wednesday, because he won’t get the $8000 credit), and not have to pay taxes for a whole month. She is not guaranteeing that will happen, but it’s possible. He also called our buyer’s realtor, and she’s trying to get him to extend the PA just in case. So things are hopeful on that front as well.
All in all, it could turn out to be a really, really wonderful, amazing week — or a train wreck. But at this point, things are feeling hopeful.
Posted by erinee on June 27, 2010 · Leave a Comment
I did blog the other day, but Leechblock shut me down. I don’t even know how my blog got added to Leechblock, but I think I’ve fixed it now (for those who don’t know, Leechblock is something that will shut down any sites I input after however much time I choose, so all of Zach’s and Megan’s game sites are on there).
Anyway, it’s late right now, and I will make do with my spending diary for now and try to blog tomorrow:
Check-In
June 24:
$9.07 — fruit & water at work
June 25:
Got paid 141.49
$20 — gas
$60 — Chase cc payment
$2.13 — needles
June 26:
No spending
June 27:
No spending
Money map for June 20-26:
Net income: 213.34
Gas: $20
Snacks/drinks: $10.98
Eating out: 0
Gifts: 0
Groceries: $3.65
Personal care (me & kids): $18.64
Clothing (me & kids): 0
Hobbies/entertainment: 0
Books/magazines: 0
TKD payment: 0
Debt repayment: $60
Kids’ allowances: $10
Miscellaneous: $2.13
Total spanding: $125.40
Total spending for week was more than week 1 but less than week 2 — and I did earn more than either of the previous 2 weeks. I spent too much on that fruit at work — the snacks/drinks column was way more than the previous weeks. Personal care included Megan’s haircut, so that’s why it was so high. Scott pointed out, not to be critical but so I would be aware, that Megan didn’t really need a haircut, and he felt that was “building relationship” spending — Megan loves to get her hair cut, we look through the magazines together and pick out something nice, I love to see her happy, and it’s easy for me. We had already recognized building relationships as a major spending trigger for me. I do think he’s right, and I’m glad he pointed it out and also glad that he did it in a way that didn’t make me feel defensive. It’s not that it was wrong for me to do that — I had the cash and I didn’t overspend. But it’s good to be aware of those triggers. Gas was less this week because of not having to go back and forth to church every night. Other than that, it was pretty good.
Gratitude journal
That we may see closure on the house issue this week — we should know by tomorrow if the sale will at least go through, although it may not be by Wednesday as we’d hoped.
That Zach and the other youth got home safely from their trip and had such a great opportunity to serve and build relationships.
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erinee