Today I am feeling very hurt and angry about some long-standing issues with another person that were posted on a public blog. I need to write about this, because it can become a trigger for me. I emailed this person and poured out all of my own hurt and struggles. I was thankful that when they emailed me back, it was clear they were not angry with me for anything I said and that these issues were in the past as far as they were concerned. There was nothing negative in the email, and I think as far as they are concerned it’s all good. However, nothing I said in my email was acknowledged, and that made me feel hurt all over again.
I am owning this — this person probably didn’t even think about the fact that my feelings weren’t acknowledged. They were dealing with my email in the best way they knew how. I want to let this go. I am trying to be a whole person, and this is a person I love dearly and I don’t want to damage the relationship. But I’m trying to figure out what to do with my hurt. I’ve made tremendous strides in my healing, and I don’t want one comment, that wasn’t even intended in a mean-spirited way, to set me back. And yet the last couple of days I’ve been terribly depressed and angry and having trouble controlling the tears. So I”m being honest — it’s a set-back for sure, but I must own it and not cast blame.
I know that one of my major triggers is feeling ignored. As much as I’m an introvert, I CRAVE acceptance and affirmation from other people like I crave water — or, more aptly, coffee. So when I pour my heart out and feel unheard, it is a searing pain. I do not want to explain this to the offender, because I don’t want to make things worse. But I want to deal with it in a healthy way and not hide it, either.
Anyway, just typing this out and figuring out WHY this upset me so much — because I was really wracking my brain all day trying to figure it out — has helped me in just these few moments. This person doesn’t know about this trigger in me, so how could they know what to say? No one else is responsible to tell me what I think I need to hear. That helps me to put it in perspective. I think maybe I can assume positive intent now, and hopefully let go.
Amazing how much processing that has made me less angry just that quickly. I knew I needed to blog tonight, and this must be why. It truly is healing.
So on to good things.
I got my class materials today. There was one book that I need that I can’t get from the library. It was $56 used at the IU bookstore. I found the same edition with the same ISBN at Amazon for $3.50. When I’m done posting here, I will begin reading the lecture notes for lesson one. Hopefully by the time I finish that, my book will be here and I can read the first stories (it’s a children’s lit class) and write my first paper.
I am truly studying music for the first time in my life, and I am LOVING it!!!! I know I will never be a professional musician, and yet there is this tug like that is what I was really meant to be and it passed me by because I didn’t have the confidence for it. I certainly believe at this point that I am more talented than I ever thought I was in high school or college (I truly do not mean that in a narcisistic way. Hopefully God will use me where I am, though. Anyway, I’ve been studying scales, chord progression, and most importantly listening and really noticing what these musicians are doing. Being an INFP personality, I am very much a big-picture person and I don’t notice details unless I”m very deliberate about it. But I’m starting to do that, and I think eventually I will be able to do it myself. I’m especially listening to a lot of David Sanborn again, because he does what I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m even figuring out how to do some of what he does.
I feel good about it. There’s a part of me that feels like I’m too old. But then, Grandma Moses didn’t start painting until she was 70. I have 3 decades to learn what I need to know.
I don’t know why I’m going on about that. I’ve just never felt so much satisfaction as I do right now with my music. I love it more than anything else I’ve ever done outside of being a mom. And it helps me to know that when my days of full-time mothering are over, when my house is void of children, there will be something for me to do.
My biggest victory right now is the fact that I went a month without a paycheck and did not overdraft. I used up most of my prudent reserve, but I did not overdraft or debt. Now I have to start over. And I need to be very careful so that I can save up enough for when I am unemployed over the summer. But I think I will make it.
$7.59 on book for class (this included shipping and handling)
$1.00 for envelopes
$32 for Zach’s private instructor
$55 for Megan’s Little League registration
Things I’m thankful for:
Discovering new talents.
The songs Megan makes up that always make me smile.
Hearing my son lay down a smooth groove on the drums. He’s really getting the hang of it! He found some free online lessons and has been really working at it.
Practicing with him for Solo & Ensemble and both of us nailing it.
The absolute blessing and honor of God allowing me to help take his people to his throne during worship. I am humbled every time I’m allowed to take part in that.
No spending/debting of any kind today.
Checkbook is balanced.
Spent time reading Bible, praying, and reading messages on DA list.
Went to church this morning (although we didn’t make it to Sunday school) and was very glad we did. The message was about our thoughts and minds. Definitely something I struggle with. It very much reaffirmed what I’ve been doing with the Daily Bible Blog. I not only read the passages, but I try to memorize the recommended Scriptures and think about the questions he poses every day. The worship time was also very uplifting today — I don’t know what it was.
Went to small group tonight for the first time in AGES. It was good to be together again. We don’t have many left in our group who still attend our church, so it may have been the last time.
I’m thankful tonight for my church family.
I’m also thankful for an opportunity that Zach & I have to play in an orchestra for an Easter musical at another church. (To any church friends I have reading this, this does NOT mean we’re leaving our church! We’re at Goshen FCOG to stay!) I love playing in orchestras, and I think it will be an excellent opportunity for Zach to play with some professional trumpet players. After my conversation with his instructor, I’m looking for every opportunity for him, and I’m so thankful this one came up so soon.
I’m thankful that the kids and I have tomorrow off and will probably have fun on some sledding hills somewhere.
I’ve done well this week with recording my spending. I have money-mapped the first two weeks of the new year, and this will help me to form a spending plan.
I did not spend any money yesterday or today. Today Zach and I went to a very interesting (and coooold!!!!!) program at the Elkhart Environmental Center on tree identification in winter. Several kids from his Scout troop went. It was a lot of fun, we had some nice time together, and it was free!
It’s been a good week for my family, with Zach getting amazing feedback from his trumpet instructor and Megan moving on in the science fair. I’m very, very content with life.
Spending today: $3 at Dollar General for some after-school snacks for the kids.
I’ve been doing well keeping up with my daily Bible reading.
My main goal right now is to build up a prudent reserve so I have some money for the summer when I’m not getting a paycheck. I also need to develop a spending plan so that I have a goal for how much to have in that reserve.
I got an unexpected check from the school deposited into my bank account Friday — I’m not sure how that happened. It was my regular payday, but because of Christmas break I shouldn’t have been paid at all. It wasn’t anywhere near my regular check, but it was nice. I’m not sure if it was an error. If it was, the school will catch it quickly and take it out of my next check. The bad thing about direct deposit is that I don’t get a pay stub.
I didn’t make it to church today. Scott went early, and at the time I just didn’t want to get the kids up and ready and out into the snow by myself. Now I’m regretting that. I miss it when I don’t go.
I spent $14.32 today on display boards, notebooks, and construction paper for the kids’ science fair projects. I recorded my spending and also filled out my money map for the week.
Still waiting to hear from IU about my next class.
Today I am thankful that Zach got to spend the night with his friend Jacob from the old neighborhood on Friday. He has been trying and trying to get together with him outside of school, and Jacob just hasn’t seemed interested. They do eat lunch together at school, but I’ve been worried about Zach not having any real friends since we moved. But they had a good time together, and Zach was over there most of the Saturday as well. Today a friend from school came over so they could work on a project for science class. He doesn’t live too far away, but it’s too far to walk. His name is CJ, and he seems like a good kid. He is also in Zach’s Scout troop and plays trumpet in the 7th-grade band, so Zach knew him from band last year and will be in band with him again next year. That may be a good lasting friendship for him, as they have some common interests.
I’m also thankful for the time Scott & I got to have just with Megan yesterday, with Zach gone. It’s usually the other way around. She seemed to really enjoy it, and I think it helped with some of the sadness she has been feeling. She’s such a sweet and sensitive little girl.
I’m also thankful for the beautiful snow.
Zero spending today.
Did Bible reading ala One-Year Bible Blog.
Led my first session with a client at RETA today. A long-time volunteer sat in with us. I’m just awaiting my Love Approach training (a communication/counseling seminar they do with all volunteers) later this month so I can start seeing clients on my own. I thought it went pretty well.
Zach starts his private trumpet lessons tomorrow morning. I think he’s excited about it, but he’s Mr. Cool these days and is playing it down. I’m a little worried about Megan as she is still crying every night, missing the old house and her old school. She seems fine during the day, though, and has lots of friends here. I’m not sure what to do. I need to be aware of this because this could be a catalyst for spending — trying to make her happy. Maybe I’ll talk to the counselor at the school tomorrow, although I am wary of school counselors now. But I’m on the counseling side of things at RETA now and as such am a mandatory reporter, so I need to get over it.
Back to work today! Everyone was very tired because no one slept well last night, but I think we all had good days.
Zero spending today. Checkbook is balanced.
I am trying to be better about this. I didn’t spend anything yesterday. Today’s spending:
- $25.50 to take Zach & Megan to see Voyage of the Dawn Treader for a last-day-of-vacation treat.
- $6 on drinks at the movie
- $2.98 on notebooks for each of the kids to use for their science fair displays
- $3.39 coffee
- 79 cents Snickers bar
- $8.99 calendar
I did my Bible reading today and yesterday through the One Year Bible Blog. I’m hoping to get a group from church to do it with me and get together once a week, or once every two weeks, to discuss. The blog posts group discussion questions.
Tomorrow is back to school and back to work, and while I feel a bit melancholy that this wonderful Christmas season and break is at an end, I am SO blessed that I am not dreading it! I will miss this time I’ve had with my family, but it will be good to see those kids again. I’m looking forward to Zach’s first private trumpet lesson Wednesday, to the kids’ doing the science fair, to Megan getting to go to her first real 4H meeting this month, to working with the preschoolers at church on Wednesday nights, to beginning to see clients at RETA on my own, to playing the sax with the band again in a couple of weeks, to taking my children’s lit class (just waiting for approval from the school) — so many good things in store for my family this year!
I had a great New Year’s eve and made some new friends. I watched my son, who always struggles with his peers, thrive in a social situation. It was wonderful. I have high hopes for 2011, for the remainder of my 5th decade on Earth. I’m truly blessed, truly thankful, and truly happy.
I haven’t been blogging, but things have been really great.
- I have not overdrafted, and in fact managed to get through the Christmas season without doing so, a remarkable feat for me.
- I have not debted.
- My job is going better than ever, particularly with the kindergarten teacher. She expressed to me before Christmas vacation how thankful she is to have me not only in her classroom but as her friend. We both cried.
- We had my whole family here (the only one who didn’t make it at all was my oldest niece and her husband and son) over Christmas, and it was perfect. I was able to let go of any anxiety over making things perfect and know that I did my best, and so it ended up being perfect in a way that felt pretty effortless.
- I played my saxophone with the praise band for the first time since we got our new worship leader, and I LOVED it — I can’t even describe how much I loved it. I had been missing it, and sometimes I don’t know just how much I’ve missed something until it’s back in my life. He put me on the schedule again, so I must have done okay.
- Scott’s Christmas present to me was $500 so I can take my next online class. I am going to take a children’s literature class so that if any children’s librarian positions open up at the public library, I will be ready for it. I have a 200-level class my first time around, but the children’s librarian positions at the branches (the main library requires a master’s degree) require a 300-level children’s lit class.
- My kids are both doing very well. Zach has all As and Bs this semester. I am still concerned that he doesn’t seem to have any real friends anywhere, but he is getting along, not getting teased or bullied in any settings (youth group, school, band, Scouts), so I think he’s doing okay. Megan is extremely popular and has gotten phone calls just about every day from a variety of kids who can’t live two weeks without her. And yet she is the one who says she’s sad and feels like crying every night. I don’t think that concerns me too much — she just really doesn’t like to be alone.
- I am almost done with my RETA parenting coach training and ready to start seeing clients on my own.
There are some things I need to be better at regarding my recovery, and those are my main goals for the coming year:
- Get to Celebrate Recovery more consistently.
- Keep track of my spending every day.
- Keep up this blog — it really helps me with the clarity.
- I still haven’t found a sponsor or a pressure-relief group through DA. The pressure-relief group is supposed to consist of 2 solvent women and 2 solvent men that meet with me over the phone or online (as a group) and help me develop a spending plan.
- Develop a spending plan, with or without a PRG. While I haven’t overdrafted or debted, I also haven’t saved, and I should be paying more on my debt than I have. So while there is some measure of clarity and control, I am still spending more than I need to. A spending plan can help with this. And to develop a spending plan, I need to be very consistent about writing down all my spending, so that I can create a realistic plan that won’t make me feel deprived but will still allow me to save and pay down my debt. It’s a difficult balance and one I probably can’t achieve on my own, thus the need for an experienced PRG.
- Attend more DA phone meetings — at least once a week. It’s the only way I’ll be able to find a sponsor and PRG.
For just some fun goals, unrelated to my recovery, I have the following:
- Do the 52 books in 52 weeks challenge. I have another blog for that.
- Start seeing clients at RETA.
- Take at least two college classes.
- Cook from scratch more and eat more vegetarian meals.
- Start a vegetable garden.
- Direct a children’s musical again. I really missed doing a Christmas musical this year.
- Practice my sax more and get better at improvising.
- Do the One-Year Bible Blog again and try to be more consistent.