Day 88

Spending

No money spent

No new debt/overdrafts

Step work

Read chapter 3 of AA Big Book

Attended DA Visions phone meeting at noon

Gratitude List

Reading my Bible on the patio facing the morning sun.

Playing with my — er, *ahem* — MEGAN’S bunny in the grass.

Being able to walk with Megan to school and meet her at the end of the day.

Hearing Zach say, “School was fun!”

The preying mantis that broke the ice and got Zach talking to the girls next door — he’s been too shy to go over there and go swimming, but who can resist going to see a preying mantis?

Day 87 — Evening Check-In

Went to RETA for some more training.  I’m very excited about it.  I’ll go back Monday night and shadow her when she meets with two clients.

Read Step 1 from AA 12&12 and Chapter 2 from the Big Book.  I have to find the spending history I wrote before.  There are some journaling questions to do.  I’ll work on that tomorrow.  I’ve already written my spending and debting history and don’t feel like I need to do that again.

A church in Goshen that was listed on the Celebrate Recovery website called me back today, and they still have meetings.  I’m going this Thursday at 6:30.  I’m really looking forward to it!  I hope I can find a sponsor there.  I will feel better about going to a meeting having actually talked to someone and knowing for sure that it’s a good-sized group with several issue-specific groups and a couple of women’s groups as well.

Money Map

Net income:  148.00
Gas:  $20
Snacks/drinks:  $6.08
Eating out:  0
Gifts:  0
Groceries:  $3.99
Personal care (me & kids):  0
Clothing (me & kids):  0
Hobbies/entertainment:  0
Books/magazines:  0
TKD payment:  0
Debt repayment:  $52
Kids’ allowances:  $10
Miscellaneous:  $22.80 (all school supplies)
Total spending:  $114.87

Spending

I took the kids to McDonald’s after school so they could use their gift certificates for free fries and free ice cream cones they got at the end of the last school year.  I ended up getting a hot fudge sundae.  I paid cash for it:  $1.07.

No debting/overdrafts

Goals for tomorrow

No spending

Continue journaling assignments from Step 1 and share any special insights here.

Gratitude List

Finding a CR group — finally!

Day 87

It’s very, very late, and I need to go to bed.  I haven’t checked in for a couple of days, though, and felt compelled to do so.

Yesterday I contacted a potential sponsor.  I haven’t heard back from her yet.  It’s okay, it’s not something a person should rush into.  It’s a big commitment.  I am trusting God to lead me to the right person at the right time.

I also contacted the contact people listed on the Celebrate Recovery website.  I called the number for the one that meets in the church at the mall and it turned out to be a cell phone number, and not for the person who was listed on the contact page.  I also tried The Church That Shall Not Be Named, and they said they no longer have a group.  So I emailed the CR website and told them they need to update their contact page, and that email bounced back.  Grrrrr!!!!!  I finally contacted Granger Community Church (an area mega-church), and he got back to me immediately.  He said they have a good-sized women’s group that meets Fridays at 7.  It means going all the way to South Bend, but it’s worth it.  I can’t go this Friday because I’m already scheduled to work.  But after this, I won’t be working at Meijer on Friday nights anymore, so it should work out.  We really need a group closer — the closest DA group is in Indianapolis, and the closest CR group is in South Bend.  It’s frustrating!

In the meantime, I need to get back to step work, with or without a sponsor.  I feel that without completing the steps thoroughly, I am a “dry drunk.”  I want to be certain that I am really working at my recovery.  I found a sponsor book online with assignments for sponsees, so I’ll work through that until I find a sponsor.  I may be repeating myself some on my blog, but  repetition is good.  I am sure a sponsor will help me with insights that I miss on my own, and each time I go through it on my own I will find new things.  But doing the step work on my own is better than not doing it at all.

Spending:

Saturday:  $0

Sunday:  $5.49 T-shirt for Zach, $3.99 hay for bunny, 99 cents hair spray, 99 cents conditioner

Monday:  $12 hair cut, $2 tip, $10 kids’ allowances

Today:  Nothing so far, but it’s only 1 AM.  I need to get to bed.  My 7:00 DA phone meeting will come early!  No expected expenses.

No new debt/overdrafts for 88 days.  No impulse spending today.  All record-keeping up to date.

Goals

Special challenge:  No spending until I get paid again Thursday.  I’m not working, I’ll be home, kids have all their school supplies, pets have food, I have plenty of coffee, and I have plenty of gas in the car.  I will check in with how I do!

I also need to do my money map for last week tomorrow.

Keep working on getting sponsor.

Begin step work again.

Evening Check-In

Day 83

ZERO money spent today.

Got the para job — start August 30!!!!!!

I would have been happy with any para job, but there are so many reasons this particular one is perfect:

It’s at Megan’s school.

It’s with the teacher I worked with before, and we totally clicked.  I always felt appreciated — she really respected me, listened to my ideas, and I felt more like a co-teacher than a para.  And she always joked that I could read her mind.

I was requested, so I KNOW it’s a good fit.

I’ll also be working a couple hours in a second-grade classroom, so some of the kids that were in my kindergarten class two years ago will probably be in that class — at any rate, I’ll know most of the kids.

I live right behind the school and can walk to work, so less gas.

I can come home for lunch.

Gratitude:

I believe it’s obvious. 

Day 82 check-in

Yesterday, after initial post:

Finished buying school supplies:  $18.47

Today:

Spent nothing

Attended DA “Overcoming Underearning” phone meeting, and it REALLY resonated with me.  So much of the compulsive underearning applies to me every bit as much as the spending issues, particularly when I apply it to my current job.

Found out that Zach does NOT need new shoes for gym class, they don’t mind if he wears whatever he wears to school, and they are still in good shape and still fit.  So that was a blessing.

Goals for tomorrow:

Put money from Meijer in bank

Mail package to friend

Sort through books and list some online to sell

Attend morning DA phone meeting

Continue emailing people in online DA group until I find a sponsor and PRG

Spending plan from now until next Thursday:

$148 from Meijer

$15 tithe

$10 kids’ allowances

$20 gas

$10 “blow money” for week

$93 in bank

Gratitude:

The customer who saw I was down after being snarled at by a co-worker and *totally* lifted my spirits — she went so far as to go and make copies of some music for me and bring them back and sing Irish songs because she saw my name.  She was lovely, and I truly felt like I was visited by an angel.

Check in from yesterday

After posting yesterday, I did realize we needed dog food and that I would have to pick some up and also that the kids needed a couple of things for their first day of school.  So I did end up taking a check with me.  I got through my first break without buying anything.  I had my water and crackers in the car.  At lunchtime I got the things I needed so that I wouldn’t have to do it after work — and I did grab a Mountain Dew and trail mix and added it to my check.  So that was an impulse buy.

It’s really hard to figure out what’s realistic.  I mean, an alcoholic absolutely must never take another drink of alcohol — that’s realistic.  And it’s certainly realistic to never debt again (which includes overdrafting).  I didn’t debt or overdraft by making that purchase yesterday, I just spent more than I intended and bought a couple things on impulse.  But is it realistic to say I’ll NEVER buy something on impulse?  This is why I really need a pressure relief group (two people who have been through the program and have been solvent for at least 90 days and help you create a spending plan and goals based on the records you’ve been keeping) and a sponsor.

Part of the problem yesterday was poor planning.  While we were on vacation I missed a week of pay, but I also had two full weeks of pay waiting for me when I got back.  I didn’t keep enough cash out to cover the expenses I had *and* give myself a little “blow money” as Dave Ramsey calls it.  A PRG would help me figure out how much I should keep out for blow money so that I don’t go over my plan but at the same time be realistic about it.  And they would help me determine how much I should be paying on my debt and how much I should be setting aside for my next class and savings.

I guess that really needs to be a priority.  So far, no one in my online group has stood out as someone I can connect with, but I’m watching.  Maybe I just need to stop waiting for the perfect people and pick a couple people at random.

I’ve actually almost reached the point in my solvency where I’ve had enough days solvent that I could serve on a PRG or even as a sponsor myself, except that I haven’t had those things yet.  So it’s time.

As far as how the day went otherwise, nothing terrible happened.  It was just long.  There are always a couple of people who feel like it’s okay to treat a complete stranger like something the cat coughed up because of something that’s no one’s fault (I can’t even begin to understand the lady who snatched a piece of paper out of my hand and stomped off — I just wouldn’t treat someone with that kind of disrespect, I can’t even comprehend it), but the vast majority of people were quite pleasant.  The kids had a great day with Scott’s mom, and we had a fantastic dinner last night of steaks on the grill, Sweet Corn Charlie, and baked potatoes.  The rest of the week’s schedule isn’t bad.  So far they have me on all evenings next week, even though I told them I can’t work after 3 pm during the week anymore.  That is NOT going to work — I wouldn’t see the kids at ALL if they leave me like that.  They usually change the schedule throughout the week until Saturday, but by Friday it’s pretty well set, so if nothing has changed by Friday I will talk to them about it.  I’m telling myself not to worry about it yet.

Spending for yesterday:

$4.95 on dog food

$3.46 on school supplies

$4.25 on pop and trail mix

Goals for today:

Work on getting PRG set up

Get caught up on housework

Try to get a few more boxes put away

Day 79 check-in

I am tired and I have a very long day tomorrow.  My challenge tomorrow is that I am working an 8-hour shift on the kids’ last day of summer vacation, which breaks my heart.  I will get one 30-minute lunch and two 15-minute breaks.  I will want to spend money on a snack or a pop to make myself feel better — and when I say “I will want” I mean it will be utter desperation.  I know it will be, and I’m not looking forward to that feeling.  I really don’t have money to spend or even access to it, unless I have my checkbook, so I am leaving it at home.  Keep me honest.  I’ll check in tomorrow night.  Somehow I will get through those breaks.  My breaks are lonely because I don’t know anyone, and I can’t really take a lunch or anything to drink because there is nowhere to keep it.  I took a bottle of water the other day and left it in the car, and it was HOT by the time I took my break.  There is no refrigerator.  Tomorrow I’ll take a cooler with ice and a couple bottles of water and some peanut butter and crackers and keep them in the car to help me get through the day.

So during my breaks I will think about what made me so very happy this week, and that was playing with the band and then a saxophone offertory Sunday.  When I think about it, my spirit soars.  And I will think about the very encouraging conversation I had tonight.  I took Megan to her back-to-school night, and I stopped by to talk to the teacher I used to work for as a para.  She REALLY wants me back, which feels good.  They don’t know yet if they’ll get paras this year, but if they do she will fight for me, and she said all the kindergarten teachers met yesterday and said they wanted me back.  Two of the other kindy teachers live in my neighborhood, one right across the street and she has a daughter Megan’s age.  So I am sure if they are able to, they will hire me.  I also told her that I applied for the para position at the Bridges Academy, which is a program for kids who are a little behind academically, and she said the person in charge of that is a person who was also a para when I was and got her teaching license, and I know her very well.  So I know if she sees my name on the list, she’ll recognize it.  We got a long great, so I”m almost sure she’ll call me.  So if I can get through tomorrow, better things may be just around the corner.

Today’s spending:

$52 credit card payment, bringing my balance to $5194 and my total cumulative payment to $422, and I still have over $100 in the bank.  It’s not a lot, but a little bit of a cushion.  I told Scott tonight I’m having trouble figuring out how much I should save when I have to pay on my credit card.  He didn’t really have any suggestions, but I know he wants to see me take another class.  I feel right now like both saving and paying off the debt are going very slowly.  But I AM saving and I AM paying off debt, however slowly.  And most importantly, I’m NOT debting!  It’s the process, not the product, as teachers like to say.  But if I get a para job, I’ll make twice as much as I make now at something I love to do.  It will help.

No other spending today, notably no impulse spending, no debting, no checks written or money otherwise withdrawn from the bank except for the CC payment.

Today I’m thankful that both of the kids have very hopeful school years ahead of them.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to play my instruments in church — I sometimes can’t believe I get to do something that’s so much fun! I’m thankful for the encouragement I got tonight.

Day 71, quick check-in

Yesterday: No spending at all.

Today’s spending:

• $5.99 — dog food
• $20 — gas
• $5.46 — fruit, water, & candy bar during break at work
• $11.69 — backpack for Megan

Goals check-in:

• One year Bible blog reading
• No overdrafts
• No checks written Spent only cash
• No new debt
• Logged all spending in notebook
• Called the school about the two para positions that are open and got my name put on the list for both of them.

Goals for tomorrow:

• One year Bible blog reading
• DA phone meeting
• RETA training
• No spending
• See what school supplies the kids need that we already have here at home, what can wait, and what they need right away.
• Call CR contact people

Day 69

Back from vacation, and time to start keeping track again.

I didn’t spend anything on vacation, because we spent only as a family.

Today I went to Meijer to get my paychecks for the last two weeks — $239. I will deposit $200 in the bank Monday and keep $39 for gas money and to do things with the kids this last week of their summer vacation. I’m very, very sad about them going back to school. This summer has been so chaotic for us. But I’m so glad we had a great vacation. The temptation would be to spend, spend, spend and make sure we squeeze every last bit of fun we can out of summer, so my challenge to myself is to find ways to make it a memorable week without spending a lot of money. Possible ideas:

–Geocaching
–Oxbow Park
–Possibly swimming at Ideal Beach; we’ll have to pay for entry, but we can forgo the water slide, or the kids can spend their own money if they want to do that.
–Sit outside and read GGGrandpa George’s Civil War diary and map his journey, along with our other books.
–Turn on all the sprinklers and let them run around.
–Do the science and craft kits that they have.
–Use the McDonald’s certificates for free ice cream cones they got from school.
–Get their prizes for the summer reading program — I’m sure they’ll get more gift certificates from that.

Zach may go to my mom’s for a few days, too. I need to call her tonight and make arrangements for that.

Check in:

Goals for Monday:

Day 58

Journal
No deep thoughts today. I went to a DA phone meeting this morning. It was pretty good. It might be a place for me to find people who have worked the steps and get some specific help with that. I’ll try to go again tomorrow.

I got a call from RETA, the crisis pregnancy center today. They got my application to volunteer. The back story is that I had been thinking about being a parent coach for their Earn While You Learn program. At my counseling appointment a few weeks ago, I was telling her that being a parent is the one thing I’ve ever truly felt successful at (note that doesn’t mean I think I’m a perfect parent!), and she asked why. We talked about it, and she said, “You should consider doing parenting classes — I’m serious, you’d be great at it.” My jaw just about dropped open. I told her about my desire to do this, and she thought I should really pursue it. I came home and told Scott about it, and he was all for it. So I’m going Wednesday to talk to them.

Anyway, service is part of recovery. I struggle with self-esteem issues, and service is an antidote for that as well. Also, I have tremendous anxiety about what I’m going to do as my kids get older and my passion — being a parent — is sort of taken away from me (as much as I know I will always be a parent). I’ve mentioned before that a large part of my spending is an effort to make sure I don’t miss anything as a parent, because they will be with me for such a short time and I constantly feel this part of my life slipping away. I think finding a way to use this passion outside of my own family will help ease that anxiety and thus that desire to spend.

Evening check-in

Recent victories

Gratitude list