Another day
Today is much better than last night, emotionally.
Sleep always helps so much. When I woke up the sun was out and I’d had a full night’s rest.
Thank you, Lord, for your new mercies every day.
Sad heart
I have a sad heart today. I think it’s hormonal, so I’m trying to push through this week, but I just realized I can call my psychiatrist tomorrow if I still feel this way. Maybe he knows a remedy I can take to help.
Anyway, last week was a rough sermon and I was feeling quite raw and shaken. I shared my view point with my daughter and son and their friends. It apparently has been blown out of proportion. Yet again their mother has chastised me. I’m sick of it! She’s not my mother, she’s my friend. I’m sick and tired of walking on eggshells because she’s stricter than me, because I allow more freedom for my kids. I’m sick and tired of feeling judged because of these choices. I don’t want to keep my daughter from her best friends, I really don’t. But I’m sick of worrying that I’m not measuring up.
I’m trying to self-talk myself through this. How old do I feel? I feel like I’m a little child, chastised for doing something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong, and actually, last week apologized for talking to her kids. I’m fighting very hard the tendency to throw up my hands and walk away, which is the easy route. But honestly, I’m really struggling to determine if the friendship is worth it. Is it worth the egg shells, the judgement, the chastising? The immature teen in me wants to say, “Fine! I’ll never talk to her kids again, never invite them over, never whatever again!” And the struggling, hurting little girl/adult in me really wants to do it. But the mature adult in me says that’s not the way to go. However, the adult doesn’t know what is the way to go. She chastised, I apologized, just like in December. And now I’m supposed to wonder if we’re still friends? In the message she, “Thinks our friendship can handle this,” whatever that means. Handle yet another episode of me failing as a parent and her pointing it out? Gah!!!
This all has to happen the one month I’ve had the worse PMS in years, when I ran out of alfalfa and just started progesterone cream, when I’m still not myself and still lacking energy and very full of hating myself. God, I hate this.
Tonight my son asked about Nirvana and I told him the band has been defunct for a decade. He thought that was funny, and in my morose mood I told him it’s because the lead killed himself. So my son asks which we’d choose, commit suicide or be murdered. He didn’t stop with that, but mentioned dying in a way that I considered doing to myself in 1989 on the very worst, most rock bottom moment of my life. I had to stop him, tell him not to talk about these things tonight as I’m not sure in my hormonal hate myself frenzy what I’d do. I need to sleep and pray tomorrow, being another day, will be filled with sunshine, that I will somehow find what I need.
Sickening Sermon
Go to www.foxlakechurch.org, click on Audio Sermons and select the one from 2/21.
That’s what we heard in church yesterday, how God spanks us, how we’re supposed to apply the rod to our children. Note the glee in his voice; he was indeed smiling. I will not be going back next week to hear the sermon on how to apply this rod to my child’s backside.
In the past our pastor has spoken about spanking his stepson and stepdaughter in the teen years. One time my husband used that knowledge to threaten the son into obedience while at a youth retreat. I told him that was way out of line; no one has the right to tell a child not their own that their parent will spank them, no one.
I was so sickened by the sermon that I didn’t take communion. I could not participate in fellowship with such disgusting words preached from the pulpit. I’m sure there were some kernels of truth and wisdom in there somewhere, but I wouldn’t eat pieces of candy bar that have been crapped out by a dog, why should I sift through this crap for something useful?
Not only am I frustrated by the joyful assertion that to be Biblical parents we must cane our children, but the passage isn’t even about spanking! It immediately follows a long discussion of faith, this is an encouraging passage that has nothing to do with pulling out that rod. And he continued the bad equation during communion, talking about God spanking us. No mercy, no grace was discussed. More and more I’ve been dissatisfied with my church, with the legalism I see more and more, with the subtle but strong disregard for women and the lack of contemporary worship songs. Each week we sing more and more hymns and those are great but there isn’t even a balanced mix anymore.
I’ve been divorcing myself from this church for a couple of years, I’ve realized. They took away all areas of ministry I was called to at this church and instead I’m supposed to provide food for after church once every two months, and now they want people to clean the church. All good ministries, but what about the other mandates? Great Commission, anyone?
This Sunday the members will be meeting so the elders can present their ideas for church ministry. I want to go to hear what they have to say, but don’t want to even be in the building for the sermon. Maybe I can go to church across the street and go to the meeting after.
In response to the gross misrepresentation of Scripture I posted a bunch of links on my FB page. Yeah, not very mature, but many people from church are on FB and will see those links. I know the proper and mature thing to do would be to talk to the pastor about my objections to the sermon but I don’t want to. I won’t be hear, will be dismissed because I’m a woman. Even if I were to tell him I felt he didn’t preach on topic and instead the verses were taken out of context.
Maybe I’ll feel emotionally strong enough on Wednesday or Thursday, but I’m not sure.
Kinda angry
This is dumb, so I’m putting this complaint here rather than anywhere else on the interwebs. I’m hoping by getting it out of my system I won’t purge my irritation for my husband to hear.
My husband’s sister put a cryptic status update on her FB page that the weekend was awful and sucked. My husband’s brother agreed, like he knew what she was talking about. Someone asked if everything is alright and she said she’d gotten bad news two days in a row but didn’t elaborate.
When she posted she was going to bed I wished her a happy morning.
I messaged the brother’s wife to let her know I sent her a package.
Then tonight the sister emails my husband:
“I am not sure if anyone has told you so I thought I would. Larry has prostate cancer. This week he also had surgery to remove part of his kidney, which, after biopsied, came back cancerous as well. He has known for a while though I only found out Saturday. He finds out soon if the radiation has worked for his prostate cancer and needs to be referred to a cancer doctor for his kidney cancer to see if it is “running”. Just thought I would let you know.”
Nice, so much for reconciliation. I thought family was supposed to alert each other to these things.
I’m sad that Larry is sick, that we didn’t know, and I don’t know what to do for him. My kids want to see him and we keep putting it off. I’ve called him but he doesn’t return my calls. I guess I’ll send a card.
Saturday post script
At 7:30 am I received a text from my oldest son. He was sick. He was warned about this. He knows if he stays up all night, or gets less than 4-5 hours of sleep, he gets sick to his stomach. He hadn’t even slept when he texted me.
So, for the third time in 12 hours I made the drive to the friend’s house and this time picked up my boys.
They fell asleep at 8:30 am when I got them home, and the 12 yr old woke up about 4 this afternoon. I think I hear the 16 yr old now, at 5 pm.
Ah, to be a teen again? No way!
Saturday Night
When I was single Saturday nights, most nights for that matter, were so hard. I’d drive around in circles trying to find someone I know to spend some time with. I wasn’t so comfortable with myself, not even wanting to spend time alone.
Times change.
All the kids were out tonight at sleep overs. I 1/2 wasted the night, but not the other half. LOL
After I dropped off the boys at a sleep over/birthday party, I stopped at McDs for a salad (dinner) then Walgreens for a snack (mixed nuts, sugar-free chocolate covered peanuts and Reese’s Pieces). Then, when I got home, I ordered a movie from Comcast. Whip It was great! I wouldn’t suggest it to sensitive Christians, teens, or kids, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ve had a bit of a fascination with roller derby and really like Drew Barrymore. After dinner I mixed the nuts and candy together.
I left at 10pm to pick up Sean. When I was 3 blocks away from picking him up he texted (I missed 2 calls a minute before) asking if he could stay and if I could take some clothes to him. I let him know I was about to pick him up so no deal on the clothes. And I drove all the way home.
Every time I have advanced notice of an evening to myself I never know what to do. At least tonight I watched a good movie. I think next time I can put it on my FB status and see if anyone wants to do something. What, I don’t know. Living in a sleepy rural area means there isn’t much to do on a Saturday night besides bars, movies, bowling, restaurants. Any of those are fine with me, but not on my own. OK, a restaurant or a movie would be fine on my own but it would be so great if there were beading classes, or classes to make glass buttons/beads/whatever.
Two weeks ago all of the kids were gone, again on a Saturday night. And I was sick. I told my husband, “we suck!” Finally a night without the kids, totally unplanned, and instead of being spontaneous we were in bed watching tv. I did tell the cat to get me some French fries from McDs but he wouldn’t obey. Salty + starchy is so satisfying when I’m sick.
Oh, anyway, since the kids are older I know the opportunity will present itself soon.
Which direction? Are we even supposed to adopt?
We’re at the end of our timeline. The deadline is February 6 or 10. Still no full bathroom, office full of tools and construction stuff. Extra bedroom full of beds and sinks and bins. No money to get the bathroom done.
And our time is running out to get our foster license reinstated. We signed a letter stating we wanted a year to do it. To replace the whole file that they lost. Ann the caseworker said she’d push to get it done in 3 months. At the 2.5 month mark I had all of my stuff done and in her hands. Everything I could do was done. I would go on vacation, come back, and bug her to get the interviews done. Instead, I came back to no bathroom, a tub and toilet in the living room. Then the overtime started and here we are, 8 months later and still no bathroom. Now we’re out of money to get supplies, a toilet, tile, to get it done. The men at church could do it, but without material that can’t happen.
So I count down the days until the deadline. After than, I don’t know. Last week I was on cloud 9 thinking I’d found a way. If we transfer everything we have to a private agency maybe we’d get a little more time to get the room done and a better chance at adopting through the foster system. The caseworker at the private agency flat out lied to me. Flat out lied to my face and I have no idea why. And Ann the current caseworker has yet to get back to me. I don’t know if I want to call and push this if we can’t get the bathroom done in time to pass an inspection.
A good Christmas
I was expecting to feel quite let down this Christmas. I’ll admit, I love getting gifts at Christmas. To know that someone was thinking about me and considering what I like feels nice. I feel cared about. However, my sister and parents decided this year being a lean year we’d give presents to only the kids. I asked if we’d also forgo stockings for the adults. Stockings are my favorite part. Great little things can appear in stockings, like bracelets, earrings, nail polish, lip gloss, etc. I can give up gifts among the adults, but don’t take away the stockings! Fortunately, that was ok.
I listened to myself, gauged my feelings to make sure I was doing ok. When I got overwhelmed with noise and heat I went outside to cool down and experience quiet. It wasn’t convenient for those taking pictures, but I had to do that for myself. They continued without me, which was fine. A little bit later I had to step outside again. I’d caught my heel on my pants and almost fell down the stairs, and stomped my foot down in an attempt to right myself. The sound alarmed my mom and dad who rushed to see what was wrong (that was interesting). I said I needed to go outside. He asked, “Again?” I explained something that had happened before that to my dad and said I just needed to step outside to cool off. He didn’t try to stop me, and I only needed 20-30 seconds and I was fine. I went in and joined everyone.
The kids opened their presents. Then we went downstairs to the stockings. We opened the stocking gifts. A candle, Trader Joe chocolate sampler, a biscotti and a small chocolate Santa. I allowed one brief thought of disappointment to flash: they forgot I don’t eat sugar. Then I dismissed it and concentrated on if they liked what I gave. I’m ok with it all.
Today we went to my husband’s stepdad’s house. We spent almost 8 hours there, but they didn’t have food. They weren’t doing dinner because they’ll celebrate on Sunday with husband’s brother & family and no one wanted two meals of leftovers. Since we skipped breakfast to get there on time, I had 3 hot dogs with some cheese about 11:30. Two of the kids had some, too. And they had some again about 5. We left about 5:30.
Tomorrow we’ll open our stockings together with my husband’s daughter, then we leave for Florida, which is the family Christmas gift.
This year I am concentrating on making gifts, giving of my talent. I made a lot, and I’m glad others will be enjoying what I made. I really like the beaded book marks I made.
Anyway, I feel myself holding in check the desire to be disappointed, but I don’t feel disappointed. The old habit of complaining and ‘woe is me’ thinking wants to take over, but I’m not letting it. I’m choosing to be thankful.
Helmet Liners
Once Christmas is over, and we’ve settled into the new year I want to start a movement but am unsure how to go about doing this.
One of my online friends has a brother who is a Marine commander, deployed to Afghanistan just last month. Today I grabbed a free pattern from Michael’s and was inspired. The pattern is to make knitted helmet liners for the troops. I want to get together as many people as I can to crochet and knit helmet liners for Phillips men in Afghanistan. Winters are supposed to be brutal there.
At first I thought about making one to send to him, but knowing Marine commanders, they think about their men, and then I realized I can’t send just one. He has hundreds of men under him; all of his men need helmet liners. I know there are charities out there for which one can make a liner and send it to them for distribution. But I want to bless this particular soldier and those under his command.
I’m putting this here to keep me accountable but to also ask for suggestions on how to go about doing this. I’m a member of 3 online communities, all of which have some knitters and a few crocheters. Is it crazy to ask every one of those to make one helmet liner and send it to me. And then I’d get Phillip’s address and send him all that was collected? It would have to be soon, though. I don’t know how long the winter lasts there.
I feel small
My husband and I just activated our first debit cards last night. I’m scared. This is really dumb, but I’m feeling something and have to just deal with it. We used to have an ATM card when we first married, almost 17 years ago. We were bad about writing down or keeping the receipts to what we withdrew, which caused problems. We decided to get rid of it because even if we don’t write the checks in the register, with the copies we can keep track of what we wrote. (Yes, this means we don’t balance our checkbook).
Today I went to the bank to withdraw cash for groceries, etc, as I usually do every week. Then I remembered the debit card, that frightening little piece of plastic. You’d think my fear surrounds the financial ruin it can instigate. No, that would be wrong.
I’m afraid to use it because I’ve never used one before and don’t know how to use it. Welcome to the new century, ma’am. sigh.
I write checks all the time; my mom wrote checks and that’s been handed down to me. Our world is increasingly moving away from checks. My husband told me England has decided to do away with checks within the next 10 years.
I went into the bank (rather than using drive thru) thinking this way someone will be there to help me, there won’t be a line and I can walk away. If I really screw it up I can write a check! I walked up to the teller and told her my intention. She used the debit card to take cash out of my account and counted it out to me. Then had me sign electronically. Hey! That’s not what I wanted! She did explain the prompts I’d be asked and what selecting each would get me. sigh.
I left feeling like quite the failure. I wanted to learn by doing, and learn in a safe environment. I felt like a little child, unsure of what to do, not knowing what I need to do , but darn sure I’m expected to know what I’m doing (whatever that is) and do it quickly. I’m imagining angry people behind me irritated that I’m slow. I didn’t get angry, though. I listened to my feelings, identified them, and because I did that I didn’t get angry. Yet. I’ll have to keep consoling myself, imagining success with the debit card, not fear or insults. I’m not an idiot, just a little behind in some things; I’ll learn and move on.
atwistedpath